Tuesday, September 30, 2014


(DAVID, walks out onto an empty stage, with a large broom, sweeping it up after what seems to have been a long night.)

(Mumbling to self as he sweeps, completely out of rhythm, not singing)
There's, no business, like show business, like no business, I know-ow-ow-ow.

He looks around, and sees the theater empty, no one around. He starts twirling his broom using his fingertips in circles.

(Singing slightly more rhythmically, into broom like it's a microphone)
Like no business, I know.

He twirls his broom again, this time tapping the end onto the stage which immediately turns into a cane, and his clothes, magically turn into a classic suit-and-tie

(In tune to "It's a Wonderful Time for Oscar")
It's a horrible week for tel-evision
Tel-e-vision, what will suck!

(Stop songs)

You didn't think I wasn't gonna do this did you?
(The theme from "The Facts of Life" starts, starts singing again)
You skip the good, you watch the bad
You Hulu the rest and then you had
It's premiere week! TV premiere week.

(Music continues, but singing has stopped)
For those who don't know what we're doing, we have a bit of a tradition here, where every Premiere we-eh,

(Music stops, finger quotes)
"Celebrate" sorta, the shows of Premiere Week, with a Musical production about them.

(Music continues)
Premiere Week, of course the first week of the year, when all the new shows start debuting on the major networks. This year, is no different. So, "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews" is proud to bring you.

(Music stops, drumroll, huge billboard behind Me appears with dancers revealing the Billboard with the name, "Premiere Week Sucks! The Musical Part IV: The Trilogy Part II: The Next Next Next Generation, Sus-Sus-Sus-Sussudio!". It is abundantely obvious that it's last year's billboard with a few extra words and numbers change with white paper and marker covering over the rest of it.)

"Premiere Week Sucks!: The Musical Part IV: The Trilogy Part II: The Next Next Next Generation Sus-Sus-Sus-Sussudio!"

(Audience, which has suddenly appeared out of thin air, applauded and cheers)

Hit it.

("My Opinion-ation (Theme from "Blossom)" starts playing, singing)
Don't know about the future, that's anybody's guess
But how exactly was it, did that Jane get pregnant.
I heard what she is claiming, but I don't think it was immaculate.
And in my opinion-ation, Pretty sure Jane's telling a lie.

(Music switches to "Thank You for Being a Friend (Theme to "The Golden Girls")")

Matthew Perry, this is for you!
Thank you for being a "Friend."
Glad to see you back on TV again
On something new
Well it's "Odd Couple", so it's old, and I guess it's new.
And I loved your last show "Go On"
I love "Mr. Sunshine" and "Studio 60..." too.
But you will see, those shows were really just for me
And everyone else will just say
Thank you for being a "Friend."

(Music switches to "Save Me (Theme from "Smallville", tries singing but struggles)
I- I want you to saaaa--aave me
From- This, so, you won't- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop the music.

(Music stops)

What the hell was that?!

(Off camera STAGE DIRECTOR yells from behind the camera.)

What was it, the theme from "Smallville"? That's what that was? That wasn't a theme song, that was a Bono-wannabe screeching! Jesus! No wonder we couldn't write anything with that. No give me something else, something you can actually sing and dance too. No, not "Spider-Man". Alright, if it has to be a WB one, than at least do the one with the good theme song. Yes, that's a good theme song! The show sucks but- I grew up during Lilith Fair, we're playing that one, I like it!

(After a delay music reluctantly comes on again; Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait" aka "'Dawson's Creek' Theme")
Do-do, do, do-do, do
Do-do, do, do-do, do
Do-do, do do-do, do
They had one baby, he was a kid when they were gone
Victims of the "Gotham" night
Every pain he would stress
Every moment of unrest
Until he be became the Prince of Darkness
Oh, but not what, "Gotham" is about.
I don't want to watch
All this boring origin
I want to watch him be Batman now
Not this depressing shit that I could've skipped through.
I don't want to watch
ten years to the most boring
part of the Batman tale, sorry?
Do-do-do, do-do-do...

(Music switches to Joe Cocker's "With a Little Help from Our Friends" (Theme song from "The Wonder Years"))
What do you do, now that "...Mother"'s gone too.
There's hardly anything good to watch on TV
So you hope and you try, and you write a new show
And hope it's as good as the first could be
Oh baby,
"How I Met Your Dad"
It didn't even make the schedule
"How I Met Your Dad"
Might not even be a replacement in Summer
"How I Met Your Dad"
I was looking forward to it too
Booo-hoo-hoo, hoo
Ba-hoo, hoo.

(Music switches to "ABC-DEF-GHI Song" from "Sesame Street")

That's what you might as well call "A to Z".
You'd think Millioti'd got a better show to me.
It seems like any sitcoms that I have ever seen
Oh, yes I saw the pilot, it was just OK for me.
Sadly "A to Z", is one of the better shows you'll see.

(Outburst soon stops music!)
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
I've grown to accustomed to her "Selfie"

(Frederic Loewe's "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face/The Ending" from "My Fair Lady" plays briefly, singing)
She almost seems familiar
Like I'm accustomed to the tale
That she points and clicks and zooms
Her likes, her fails
The plot, it's doom
to seem familiar to me now
(Not singing)
So familiar

(Awkward pause goes to music changes to "The Patty Duke Show")
Meet Andre and his family
And their nice big house, in the 'burbs of L.A.
But he used to come from the streets of Compton
And that part of himself, seems to have gone away.
They're now just "Black-ish"
They're just "Black-ish", not really white
One weird strange conundrum
He's living with every day.

(Music changes to "Movin' On Up (Theme from "The Jeffersons)" Talking)
Oh, and the big show doesn't go on yet.

(Gospel choir begins walking out on stage, and David stands on an elevated pedestal.)

Oh, that man, Stephen, has hit the big time!
Oh, he's moving on up!

Movin' on up

To the CBS eye
To that legendary timeslot, in late night
Oh, he's movin' on up!

Movin on up!

To the CBS eye
He's earned his giant slice of the pie
No more basic cable
No more "The Daily Show..."
He's got to contend with Fallon
But no character he has to will
He's got a whole lot to live up to
Letterman's old shoes to fill
He's got time to prepare,
Colbert will be ready
And no Stewart to support him here
He's movin' on up!

Movin' on up

To the CBS eye
He'll tell the Report, Good-bye!
Movin' on up!

Movin' on up!

To the CBS eye
It's the next generation of Late Ni-iiiiiiiiiight!

(Music stops. David has returned to his old clothes, and the broom, which had first turned into a cane and then a microphone, is not back to a broom.)

(Sweeping up as he head exits stage right, humming to self)
There's no business, like show business...

(He keeps humming the tune, but words are spoken loud enough to decipher as he quietly exits, leaving the stage dark and empty again.)

To view past years blogs on "Premiere Week Sucks!" go to the links below:



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