Tuesday, September 18, 2012

PREMIERE WEEK SUCKS! THE MUSICAL II: THE SEQUEL!!!!!!!!

So, many of you know that last year, in order to appropriately articulate my thoughts about Network Premiere Week, I wrote on my blog, a musical number/parody, whatever-you-want-to-call-it, for Premiere Week, in a blog called "Premiere Week Sucks: The Musical!", and I asked for some imagination from the audience, as I'm not generally not talented enough and can't afford to pull something so elaborate off like that. (Just the copyright's alone, would've bankrupted me) Now, when I first wrote that last year, it was one of my earliest blogs, and while I liked the idea of poking fun at Premiere Week in musical form, it wasn't a particular popular blog entry originally. I don't blame anybody; it wasn't exactly Billy Crystal at the Oscars, every year, but I thought, it was an entertaining and fun thing to do, once. Now, honestly, I had absolutely no intention of ever doing that again, and had completely forgotten about it, until the last month or so, when I would check out which blogs of mine were being the most viewed, when suddenly, this almost-a-year-old blog entry, was suddenly, continuously, breaking the Top 5 most viewed entries for the day or week or month, or whatever. Apparently, what's happened is that, now that it's a year later, and now that we're approaching a whole new Premiere Week (Or Premiere Month-and-a-Half, as NBC seems to be doing) people have started searching for "Premiere Week" on search engines, and have been coming across my old blog entry. (Especially if they searched "Premiere Week Sucks" it really comes up. It's like 3rd or 4th or google or something.) So suddenly, I'm in this unenviable position, where, certain people really recall this now, it's fresh in their minds and they're expecting me to now do a totally new musical parody. Well, honestly, I thought about it, and you know, I don't think I should do that. I like having fun, and being a little bit playful once in a while and be self-satirizing, but I strive very much so, to make sure this blog is intellectually stimulating, and give some very thoughtful, unique and and in-depth comments and criticism on the entertainment world, and I mean, I could do another musical number, just to please everybody who wants it, but I don't know if that's really in the best interests for my blog, at this point, when my readership is continually growing at the rate it is, it might not be the most prudent thing to do at this point. I mean, it's just another TV Premiere Week, it doesn't necessarily have to only be discussed in musical form, every time, you know. It's helpful though, I'll say that, 'cause most of it is so crappy that you have to make fun of it, somehow. You know, just so you can force yourself to sit through some of the shit you know. I mean, "Revolution", you see that one? No power? Really, than how do the videocameras work? Stupid JJ Abrams. It's so stupid you know, and I have sit through this crap. Maybe, if we're lucky there'll be three decent new shows, two of which get cancelled, and "Rules of Engagement," stays on for friggin' ever. It can really be depressing. Especially without cable, you know. Even when I just think about it....
(Lights dim, spotlight on me. Opening to "I Will Survive"-by Gloria Gaynor begins to play)
I used to be afraid, how could it be
That there'd be all this crap on my TV
I spent so many nights, thinking it couldn't be any worse
But I sat there, endured the pain, endured the thirst

Now it's Premiere Week, on every network
I turned it on to find it worse here than before
But I'm not tossing my remote
I'll even up the volume you see
'Cause this crappy Premiere Week, will not get the best of me!

(Standing up, and screaming, and the disco ball lights shadow cover the stage)

Oh no, not I, I will Survive
Oh, you can put on any crap, but I will always get by
I've been through this many times before, and each time I've left alive
You may try, but I will survive! Hey Hey!

(Song continues for a few seconds)

Music change!

(Switch jacket around to cool indy-pop rock swede, and suddenly I have a guitar while The Rembrandts-"I'll Be There For You" begins)
So Matthew Perry's got a, new show on NBC
(Clap 4 times in unisom)
First time since he was on, Studio 60
Why they cancelled that show, I will never know
It was the best thing he ever did
And he also did, that other good show, but

I'll be watching him.
That "Go On" is kinda decent
I'll be watching him.
Weird title, but it's okay.
I'll be watching him
When nothing better's on.

(Song continues)
(Song switches to Frank Sinatra's "Love and Marriage". I lost the guitar, and now have on a swooning hat and a have a stool with a martini next to me. I sip the martini)
Love and marriage, and surr-o-gate
"The New Normal"'s not your average, family
Love and marriage and surr-o-gate
The new show from Ryan Murphy
Sure, it's modern, brother
But try telling that to the Mormons, sister mother.
Love and a marriage
Love and a marriage...

(Collective groans from the audience, at "Sister mother" joke)
(Song changes to Toni Basil's "Mickey". A group of six dancing transvestites dressed in cheerleader uniforms hits the stage)

Oh Jesus. I ain't looking forward to this one, but it'll be funny.

(I am in a male cheerleader outfit, like what Will Ferrell used to wear in that SNL sketch he used to do, and in unisom, we're dancing and singing, Gulp!)

Oh, Mindy, you so pretty, you don't understand.
This Project better work, 'cause it's "The Office"'s last stand
Oh Mindy, you're so funny, your show looks like a hoot
But if it's only as good "New Girl" than I'm putting it on mute
Hey Mindy!
Hey Mindy!

(Dancing continues, for a few bars, ends as song ends, with everyone doing the splits. I'm grimacing in pain, but eventually I roll myself up, gingerly)

Ah! Quick and painless, that's what you said huh, quick and painless?! Get that stool drink back out here, I'm sitting down for this next one.

(They bring back the stool, and I sit on it, and then I take a drink, and sit down. I turn to the transvestites.)

You guys can dance all you want, but I'm sitting for this one.

(I take another sip of the martini)

Alright, let's get this one over with.

(After a few seconds, Britney Spears's "Baby One More Time", cheerleader transvestites start dancing)

Oh Britney, Britney.
Your on "The X-Factor" now.
A train wreck on a train wreck
Oh Britney Britney
We can't believe your judging now
But we still know that you lipsynced

Tell me, when this gonna's end please
Cause we see your on,
But we're still watching "The Voice"

(Song stops)
Oh, that reminds me, did anyone else see Tony Lucca's version of this song on "The Voice" last season? That was friggin' awesome, man! And you can so tell that Christina holding a grudge since they were on the "Mickey Mouse Club", but that completely, like put her in her place, about it. That was cool. You could probably find it on youtube somewhere, if you haven't seen it. You know what, I might post it at the bottom here.

(Song restarts)
"The X-Factor" is killing me, and I
 I don't believe it's on TV
(Still on TV)
Only one thing that I want to see
Simon give us a sign!
Please, punch Britney, just one time!

(Song stops)

(Audience cheers)
(Theme from "I Dream of Jeannie" begins)
Da-de de, de-de, de-de
Da-de de, de-de, de-de, do
There's a, new show on CBS
It's called, "Elementary"
It's a bit like "Sherlock" or "House"
Except, he's a cop in New York
And Watson's, a hot Asian chick
I don't know, why I picked Jeannie for this
But I thought it'd be fun.
Da-de, de-de, de-de-de, do
Ta-da, da-ta

(Song stops)
(Shania Twain's "That Don't Impress Me Much" starts playing, and I get up for this, and wear a cowboy hat, and now the transvestites are gone, and now it's girls dressed like country versions of the Robert Palmer girls behind me)
Oh, yeah yeah.
So you got a little show on ABC
It's called "Nashville," and you think it's something
It looks a little like a bad soap opera to me
Kinda like "Smash" but about the country music scene.
O-oh, you think you're special
O-oh, you think you're something new?

Ok, so you're "Dallas," mixed with that movie "Country Strong", without the substance of either, but with bad country music and the chick from "Friday Night Lights"
That don't impress me much
So you've got the show, but have you got the touch
Now now, don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
That won't keep me watching in the Primetime night!
That don't me impress much!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this was expensive, but it's so worth it,  Bon Jovi!

(Stage opens to reveal Bon Jovi, audience claps excited, as they begin playing the opening to their song, "It's My Life")

This is a song about "Made in Jersey"
(Song continues)
It's about a lawyer who sounds like Snooki
(Song continues)
Don't get the premise, sounds like a bad joke
A lawyer's from Jersey? Les, are you snorting coke

It's your show
But it'll soon be cancelled
It ain't gonna be on much longer
It's be gone by the end of this song.
It's your show.

(Everybody comes out now, as Bon Jovi, switches to the actual lyrics of the song)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, I did it my way
I ain't gonna live while I'm alive
It's my Life...

(Song continues)

...It's my Life!

(Song ends)
(Audience cheers as everybody quietly leaves the stage, and the curtain closes on Bon Jovi) I'm the only one standing in the middle of the stage at the end.)

Yeah, that's nice to think about, but I just don't think I want to do the musical thing this year. Sorry guys, just, don't think it's right. Maybe next year, we'll see. Perhaps. Probably not. (Wink)

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