Tuesday, October 29, 2013

PREMIERE WEEK SUCKS! THE MUSICAL III: THE TRILOGY!!!!!!!!

(cough, cough, COUGH! COUGH!-COUGH!!!, clear throat, clear throat, COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!)

Well, I had planned to do my annual salute to the new network TV shows, "PREMIERE WEEK SUCKS!..." I had done that the past two years, here's the links to those:

http://davidbaruffi.blogspot.com/2011/09/tv-premiere-week-sucks-musical-and.html
http://davidbaruffi.blogspot.com/2012/09/premiere-week-sucks-musical-ii-sequel_18.html

and as you all know, I've been unable to post, regularly for awhile, and it's practically November, some shows have already been cancelled, and I'll be honest everyone, I'm sick as hell, on top of everything else. So, I know I said this last year, and then did the damn thing anyway, but this time I swear, while I'd very much like to, I'm just not gonna do the "Premiere Week Sucks!" thing this year. Sorry guys.

Anyway, now that that's out of the way, I know a lot of people have been wanting for me to answer a few questions about the goings-on in the entertainment industry, like what I really think about Affleck playing Batman. Well-

ANNOUNCER
(Interrupting)
And now, the host of , "Premiere Week Sucks! The Musical III: The Trilogy!!!!!!!".

DAVID
What the hell?

ANNOUNCER
A guy who was a nobody until "Celebrity Apprentice". ARSENIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HALL!

(Arsenio Hall walks out from behind the curtain, which also reveals THE POSSE in to, playing music in to. Also revealed behind another curtain, the AUDIENCE. Arsenio walks towards the front of the stage, standing next to DAVID.) 

ARSENIO HALL
Thank you, thank you.

(Arsenio does his whoop-thing with his arm, as the music plays out. The audience joins in with him.) 

ARSENIO
Thank you. It is so good to be here.

DAVID
Yeah, I'm glad you're here, I was a huge fan of your back in the early nineties, but what are you doing here?

ARSENIO
Well, since you said you weren't gonna host this thing this year, they said I can do it.

DAVID
They?

ARSENIO
Yeah.

DAVID
Who's they?

ARSENIO
The people who run your blog.

DAVID
(Confused pause, laugh from audience)
What do you mean 'They'; I'm "They"! I run this blog!
(Coughs, coughs, coughs)

ARSENIO
Well, they said I can do it, and beside, I am a perfect representative of this new season of TV, 'cause basically, what this season is about, is people, returning to primetime TV after many years.

DAVID
Well, that, well, that is true actually, but who the hell invited-

ARSENIO
So, let's start with our first TV legend back on TV, Michael J. Fox.
(Arsenio grabs a microphone)
Hit it Posse!

DAVID
And since when can you sing?

(Posse plays theme song to "Family Ties)

ARSENIO
Secret talent.

DAVID
Alright, "Family Ties", I get it.

ARSENIO
(Singing in tune to song)
What would you do, baby, without Fox.
What would you do, baby, without Fox.
It's his one last chance, before
he drops dead soon.

DAVID
(Interrupting)
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Stop the music!

(Posse stops playing)

ARSENIO
What?

DAVID
What the hell man, that wasn't funny. Making fun of his illness, c'mon!

ARSENIO
He's still around, he's making it work.

DAVID
C'mon Arsenio, you were never this dark?

ARSENIO
Alright, you're right, that was a little mean How about another returning TV legend.

DAVID
Sure. Who? Sean Hayes?

ARSENIO
Andy Samberg

DAVID
What?!
(Coughs, coughs)

(Posse plays classic "Dragnet" opening bars.)

ARSENIO
This is the city. Brooklyn Ninety-Nine?

DAVID
(Interrupting)
That's not the title.

ARSENIO
He co-wrote "Motherlover" and "Dick in a Box" with Justin Timberlake.
Now he works with a retired Control Agent 99, Barbara Feldon as they solve crime at the most dangerous police station in Brooklyn.

DAVID
Dude, that's not the show. It's "Brooklyn, Nine-Nine", not "99", and Barbara Feldon has nothing to do with it. And why didn't you pick Andre Braugher, he's the famous returning actor on the show.

ARSENIO
Who?

DAVID
Andre Braugher? "Homicide", "Gideon's Crossing", "Men of a Certain Age"?

ARSENIO
Never heard of him.

DAVID
He was on your show two weeks ago?

ARSENIO
I don't think so.

(Audience laughing, long delayed pause)

DAVID
(Clears throat)
Seriously, what are you doing-. Oh-kay, who else is returning.

ARSENIO
How about Allison Janney?

DAVID
Absolutely, 4-time Emmy Winner, "The West Wing", she's working on Chuck Lorre's new show, with Anna Faris.

ARSENIO
That's right.

(Posse plays "Two and a Half Men" theme)

ARSENIO
Drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk-drunk eh drunk.

DAVID
WHOA!

ARSENIO
Chuck Lorre's got another show, about drunks.

DAVID
Posse stop please!

(Posse stop playing)

DAVID
Who the hell wrote all this? Cause it wasn't frigging you.

ARSENIO
It's your blog dude?

DAVID
I'm not doing this!!!!! Why are we making fun of a guy's alcoholism?

ARSENIO
Why does he keep making shows about drunks?

DAVID
'Cause he's an alcoholic, that's what he knows how to write about? And, "The Big Bang Theory" was a fluke, I guess. I don't know, okay? But no more making fun of Parkinson's no more making fun of people. Okay, this isn't about bashing the people, this is about bashing the television shows themselves. Here give me the mike, let me show you.

(Arsenio hands David the microphone)

DAVID
Posse, give me "The X-Files" theme.

(Posse starts playing "The X-Files" theme song)

DAVID
Joss Whedon's back on TV
X-Files meets stupid superhero thing.
His fans are gonna love it
No matter what I say.
Glad Clark Gregg's back on TV
(Not singing next line)
Remember, "The New Adventures of Old Christine". No? Forget it?
(Back to singing)
But isn't he dead or maybe not
I guess it don't matter anyhow
But then why the hell, do you watch?

(Song ends)

DAVID
See, that's what we're doing, we're making fun of how bad the shows are, we're not going after the people.

ARSENIO
Okay, I think I get it. Alright, how about this?

(Posse plays "My Two Dads" theme.)

DAVID
Where the hell'd you pull that theme song from?

ARSENIO
There's two dads on "Dads"
But it's not like "My Two Dads"
Although it's just as bad
How'd this get on the air
Stick with animation Seth
We love you, yes we do.
When everybody said your Oscars sucked
We defended you, we did
But "Dads" really sucks.
Stick to talking Dogs
And why ruin Mull, Green and Ribisi career's too.

(Music stopped early)

Okay, we couldn't get that to completely match.

DAVID
That's okay, that's the idea. And kudos, on the Posse, for getting the "My Two Dads" theme at all, that was awesome; I didn't expect that. Round of applause for that one.

(Audience applause)

ARSENIO
Who else is back on TV? Tony Shalhoub, "Monk", "Wings", legendary actor-

DAVID
Um, Arsenio, his show was already cancelled?

ARSENIO
So, we can't make fun of it?

DAVID
Well, if you want to beat a dead horse, go ahead, but I don't see the point.

ARSENIO
Alright, fair enough. "The Millers"?

DAVID
Oh, Will Arnett and Margo Martindale?

ARSENIO
Yeah.
(Long pause)
I got nothing.

DAVID
Me neither. Posse, you guys got anything? No.

(Posse shakes heads 'no'.)

DAVID
Yeah, it's not that's it's good or bad, but there's nothing there. Making fun of it is like hitting a helium balloon with a pinata stick.

ARSENIO
Yeah.

DAVID
Oh, "The Goldbergs", lots of people returning to TV on that show. George Segal. Wendy McClendon-Covey, and Jeff Garlin.

ARSENIO
Oh, Curb!

DAVID
Yeah.

(Posse starts playing "Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme)

DAVID
Wait a minute- no. That's too easy, besides the whole show is about the '80s. We gotta a quintessential '80s theme song.
(Pulls out a coin)
Alright, heads for "Charles in Charge", tails for "Perfect Strangers"

(Coin flips and lands on stage) 

DAVID
Heads it is.

ARSENIO
Alright.

(Posse plays theme to "Charles in Charge")

Goldbergs is a show, about the '80s.
A family sitcom, from, not like Molly Goldberg's.

DAVID
The really good TV buffs get that joke.

ARSENIO
We didn't want it, but it's on.
Who wants to remember back then anyway?
But we got "The Goldbergs", "The Goldbergs" on ABC.

DAVID
We weren't really giving that one our all, were we?

ARSENIO
No, not really.

DAVID
Okay, you know, honestly, this isn't the worst season when it comes to premiere week, so we are only half-into it this year.

ARSENIO
No, it is a decent year.

DAVID
Well, all the dramas suck.

ARSENIO
Yes. Why people are watching that "Sleepy Hollow", "The Blacklist" crap. Although I do love James Spader.

DAVID
Yeah, but who doesn't?

ARSENIO
Of course, who else is returning?

AUDIENCE
Robin Williams!

DAVID
What?

AUDIENCE
Robin Williams!

(Audience starts cheering) 

DAVID
Robin.

ARSENIO
Yeah, he's back on TV too.

DAVID
Yeah, Mork back on TV. You're right, if we're only going to do, one more song, about how "Premiere Week Sucks", we really should do it, for his new show, "The Crazy Ones".

ARSENIO
Sarah Michelle Gellar's on that show, too.

DAVID
Her too, but it's Robin friggin' Williams! Right?

ARSENIO
Right.

DAVID
So, "Trophy Wife"?

ARSENIO
Yeah.

(Posse plays "The Brady Bunch" theme song)

DAVID
Here's the story, of that guy from "West Wing"
He's a lawyer with 3 kids from 2 wives.
Two are twins, and one's Chinese.
And that's his life.

ARSENIO
(Also singing)
Here's the story of a flirty nymph.
She was on "The Comeback", but nobody saw it.
So she's been doing films, like "Watchmen"
That's Malin's life.

DAVID & ARSENIO
Now the one day, the lawyer, found this lady.
Well, lady's pushing it, she's pretty much a girl.
In Hollywood, this would be, a normal marriage
But on TV, she's his "Trophy Wife"

(David and Arsenio do a couple dance steps to end the show, as the Posse finishes the song. Audience cheers, David and Arsenio shake hands and end.) 

DAVID
Thank you, Arsenio!

(LAWYER'S NOTE: No celebrities, or Arsenio Hall's or "The Posse" were apart or members of any such performance of "Premiere Week Sucks! The Musical III: The Trilogy". Furthermore, no such project ever existed, and had it existed, no Arsenio Hall or The Posse or friends/family thereof, were coerced, blackmailed, kidnapped, or in any other way forced to participate in the production against their will. The production that doesn't exist. Thank you.)

And to end this production, I thought I'd freak out some of the younger "The Big Bang Theory" fans; so here's Amy Farrah Fowler, doing a couple cartwheels and dancing in embarrassing clothes, with a strange theme song. Enjoy!















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