Tuesday, January 3, 2012

THE 1ST ANNUAL OYL AWARDS!: HONORING THE BEST IN FILM FROM THE YEAR BEFORE! Sponsored by "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews"


Welcome Ladies and Gentleman, to The 1st Annual One-Year Later Awards!

(Applause, Opening Celebratory Music plays briefy)

Thank you. Here, we are presenting Awards to movies one year after, they were released because we were too lazy to go see them in the theatre.


Saying that, this means that instead of having to watch everything right away, we were able to digest all these films, at our own hurried, albeit leisurely pace, so as to be better informed enough of to make more decisive and thoughtful determinations of what was the best in cinema. In other words, we took our time. Also in other words, were here to correct everything the Oscars (Bleep)ed up!


That's not true. I'm kidding, they might have gotten them right, I haven't opened the envelopes yet. I'm opening all the envelopes by the way. Because I'm the only one who showed up. Despite us nominating over 80 people for OYL Awards, none of them have showed up!


There isn't even real laughter there, that's me typing the word laughter sadly into my computer, as though their was actual laughter, and as though this was an actual Awards ceremony.


Yep, that's fake laughter. Kinda like what you hear when you're watching "Whitney".

(Laughter and boos)

Oh, like I'm wrong. Alright that was mean. Don't worry, we're not celebrating TV. We're celebrating film, great film. Of the ten Best Picture nominees, 7 were also nominated for Academy Awards, that's a good year. There's a lot of good performances, good films... Unfortunately we don't have an actual awards yet. We didn't come up a design yet. Since it's the OYL award, we thought of Olive Oyl from Popeye, but, it just turned out be a couple stick figure that were flat as a board. Yeah, we gonna call it the actress for awhile...,


Wow, that joke didn't work. Alright, now I know when to stop telling jokes and put in a musical number next year.


Now, I know when to start giving out the Awards, right now. Our first is for Best Supporting Actress, yep, starting with a big one right away. Here are the nine nominees.

Amy Adams-"The Fighter"
Annette Bening-"Mother and Child"
Helena Bonham Carter-"The King's Speech"
Anne-Marie Duff-"Nowhere Boy"
Mila Kunis-"Black Swan"
Melissa Leo-"The Fighter"
Hailee Steinfeld-"True Grit"
Naomi Watts-"Mother and Child"
Jacki Weaver-"Animal Kingdom"

I have the envelope right here. This is the first ever OYL Award to be given out ever, right here.
(Brief Pause)
And the Award goes too...

(Opens envelope)

...MILA KUNIS for "Black Swan"

(Tchaikovsky's "Swan Lake," plays, Applause, large amount of audience surprise)

Alright, now for six hours of boring categories.


Their were three nominees this year for Best Animated Feature film. The Award going to both the       Director(s) and the producer(s). The nominees are...

How to Train Your Train-Directors: Dean Deblois and Chris Sanders; Producer: Bonnie Arnold
The Illusionist-Director: Sylvain Chomet; Producers: Sally Chomet and Bob Last
Toy Story 3-Director: Lee Unkrich; Producer: Darla K. Anderson

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope)

..."TOY STORY 3". Lee Unkrich and Darla K. Anderson

(Applause, Randy Newman's "We Belong Together" plays)

There were many stand-out documentaries last year, and it was surprisingly difficult to narrow it down to these six nominated films for Best Documentary Feature. The Award is given to the Director(s) and
Producer(s). And the nominees are...

Catfish-Directors: Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman; Producers: Andrew Jarecki and Mark Smerling
Exit Through the Gift Shop-Director: Banksy; Producers: Jaimie D'Cruz, Holly Cushing, and James Gay-Rees
A Film Unfinished-Director: Yael Hersonski; Producer: Noemi Schory and Itai Ken-Tor
Inside Job-Director: Charles Ferguson; Producer Audrey Marrs
Restrepo-Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger
Waiting for 'Superman'-Director: Davis Guggenheim; Producers: Michel Birtel and Lesley Chilcott

And the Award goes to...

(Opens envelope)

..."EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP"- Banksy, Jaimie D'Cruz, Holly Cushing, and James Gay-Rees!

(Loud applause; "Tonight the Streets Are Ours" by Richard Hawley plays)

You know, if this was a real Award ceremony, and Banksy did show up, we still wouldn't know?


Hell, this is an online Awards ceremony, maybe everybody's come to look.


It's possible. Hell, Roman Polanski could log in if he wanted to. He is nominated, who knows? He might be there.


Let's continue on. There are seven nominees for Best Supporting Actor this year. The nominees are...

Christian Bale-"The Fighter"
Vincent Cassel-"Black Swan"
Andrew Garfield-"The Social Network"
John Hawkes-"Winter's Bone"
Ewan McGregor-"I Love You, Philip Morris"
Mark Ruffalo-"The Kids Are All Right"
Geoffrey Rush-"The King's Speech"

And the OYL Awards goes to...

(Opens Envelope)

...CHRISTIAN BALE for "The Fighter"

(Applause, "How You Like Me Now," by The Heavy plays)

Hey sometimes, the Oscars get it right, what can I tell ya? You know. Sometimes, they get it right, sometimes they just miss, sometimes they're com-pletely off.


And you know, they frig it up, 'cause of there's way too many members for somebody to bribe. It wouldn't be effective. Not like the "Golden Globes," which are completely fixed.


It's like 70 people voting, they all live in the same house, it's like "Dallas."

(Big laughs)

I'm kidding, "The Tourist" was really good.

(Rolling eyes, Laughing)

There are six nominees this year for Best Foreign Language Film, spanning three continents. The Award goes to the film's director. The nominees are...

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo-Niels Arden Oplev (Sweden)
I Am Love-Luca Guadagnino (Italy)
In a Better World-Susanne Bier (Denmark)
Incendies-Denis Villeneuve (Canada)
Mother-Joon-Ho Bong (South Korea)
Skirt Day-Jean-Paul Lilienfield (France)

and the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens Envelope)


(Applause, Misen Goth's "Ljus I Varje Hjarte" plays)

To write an original screenplay, you not only have to write, but you have to be a creative storyteller. To adapt a screenplay, all you have to do is write down what somebody else thought.


I'm kidding. That's not true. Sometimes, adapting a story to a different medium can be incredibly difficult, and oftentimes harder that coming up with your own story. There's two different skills, and they're both being honored. There's seven nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay. The nominees are...

127 Hours-Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo-Nikolaj Arcel and Rasmus Heisterberg
The Ghost Writer-Robert Harris and Roman Polanski
Incendies-Denis Villeneuve
The Social Network-Aaron Sorkin
True Grit-Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
Winter's Bone-Debra Granik and Anne Rosellini

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope)

...AARON SORKIN, for "The Social Network"

(Applause, "The Social Network," score by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross plays)

There are eight nominees for the OYL Award for Best Original Screenplay. The nominees are...

Another Year-Mike Leigh
Black Swan-Mark Heyman, Andres Heinz and John J. McLaughlin
Blue Valentine-Derek Cianfrance, Joey Curtis and Cami Delavigne
In a Better World-Anders Thomas Jensen
Inception-Christopher Nolan
The Kids Are All Right-Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg
The King's Speech-David Seidler
Mother and Child-Rodrigo Garcia

And the award goes to...

(Opens envelope)

...CHRISTOPHER NOLAN, "Inception".

(Applause, Hans Zimmer's "Mind Heist" plays)

There are eight nominees this year in the Best Actor. The nominees are...

Casey Affleck-"The Killer Inside Me"
Jeff Bridges-"True Grit"
Jim Carrey-"I Love You, Philip Morris"
Matt Damon-"Hereafter"
Jesse Eisenberg-"The Social Network"
Colin Firth-"The King's Speech"
James Franco-"127 Hours"
Andy Serkis-"Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll"

And the winner is...

(Opens envelope. Surprised pause)

...Holy crap, we have a TIE!
(Pause, audience gasp)
The winners are JESSE EISENBERG for "The Social Network"...
...and COLIN FIRTH for "The King's Speech"!

(Loads of applause. "The Social Network" score by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross plays, then "The King's Speech" score by Alexandre Desplat plays)

You have no idea how hard it was to find two photos of about the same size.


You're just reading this now, and going "Oh, he's got two photos, there..." No, took for friggin' ever! Can't have one really big, can't be really small, should be side-by-side, should they be on top of each other-. It took for-ever!


There's ten nominations for Best Actress, and the only reason for that is because that was the maximum amount of nominations allowed for the category. There were a lot of good performances in this category this year, we should give them a big hand before we announce the winner. Whadoya say, right?! Yeah!

(Audience applauds)

Alright. The nominees are...

Annette Bening-"The Kids Are All Right"
Katie Jarvis-"Fish Tank"
Hye-Ya Kim-"Mother"
Jennifer Lawrence-"Winter's Bone"
Lesley Manville-"Another Year"
Julianne Moore-"The Kids Are All Right"
Natalie Portman-"Black Swan"
Noomi Rapace-"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"
Tilda Swinton-"I Am Love"
Michelle Williams-"Blue Valentine"

And the Award Goes to...

(Opens envelope)

...MICHELLE WILLIAMS, "Blue Valentine"!

(Surprise and applause, "You and Me," by Penny and the Quarters plays)

Alright, we're down to the last two Awards. There are eight nominees this year in the Best Director category. The nominees are...

Darren Aronofksy-"Black Swan"
Banksy-"Exit Through the Gift Shop"
Danny Boyle-"127 Hours"
Derek Cianfrance-"Blue Valentine"
David Fincher-"The Social Network"
Tom Hooper-"The King's Speech"
Christopher Nolan-"Inception"
Niels Arden Oplev-"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"

And the OYL Awards goes too...

(Opens envelope)

...DAVID FINCHER for "The Social Network"!

(Applause, "The Social Network" score by Trent Rezon and Atticus Ross plays)

Not gonna keep you waiting much longer. Last award of the night; as always there are ten nominated films for the Best Picture category, Award to be given to the film's producer(s). The nominees are...

127 Hours-Producers: Danny Boyle, Christian Colson and John Smithson
Black Swan-Producers: Scott Franklin, Mike Medavoy, Arnold Messer and Brian Oliver
Blue Valentine-Producers: Lynette Howell, Alex Orlovsky, and Jamie Patricof
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo-Producer: Soren Staermose
In a Better World-Producer: Sisse Graum Jorgensen
Inception-Producers: Christopher Nolan and Emma Thomas
The King's Speech-Producers: Iain Canning and Gareth Unwin
Mother and Child-Producers: Lisa Maria Falcone and Julie Lynn
The Social Network-Producers: Dana Brunetti, Cean Chaffin, Michael De Luca and Scott Rudin
True Grit-Ethan Coen, Joel Coen and Scott Rudin

Drumroll please?


And the OYL Award for Best Picture of last year, goes to...

(Opens Envelope, drumroll stops)


(Applause, "The Social Network" score by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross plays)

Congratulations to all the nominees and winners tonight. Go watch the Oscars this year, it's a good predictor of who might an OYL Award next year. Don't forget, later this Spring to watch the Ten-Year Later Awards, the TYL Awards! Goodnight!

(Closing celebratory music plays, everybody leaves.)

Note: All vote tabulations were done by the accountants employed at "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews". The results of those tabulations are kept secret until the envelopes are opened on the night of the Awards.

Dedicated to OYL Award nominee, Tim Hetherington

(Note: While Ten-Year-Later Awards were at one time planned, they never came about.)

No comments: