Sunday, May 22, 2016


I know as a reviewer, I'm not exactly known for being the first one out there to give his/her thoughts on movies, I'm usually the one, as I really should say more often than I actually do, I always have "The Last Word". Well, let me make that up for  you all, as in this very special blog, I'm going to be writing the very first review of Robert Rodriguez's latest film, "100 Years". If you aren't familiar with "100 Years", well, it won't be released for another, 100 years. Yes, you read that right. The film was made now, and currently is placed in a special high security, time locked safe, not to open until the year 2115, which is when the film will be screened a special audience, including the descendants of the filmmakers, including Rodriguez and actor/writer John Malkovich.

Now, believe it or not, while this is sorta unique in film, in terms of literature, this is actually not as unusual as you'd think, there have been numerous instances, including recently where certain texts are to be placed on hold and not released publicly until a later future date. Probably the most famous interesting one recently was Mark Twain's autobiography became a bestseller after it was finally released 100 years after his death in 2010, for instance, which was indeed the parameters he requested that the autobiography be released under. (Although parts were published years earlier but still, he knew he would be important and famous enough that a century after his death, his autobiography was not only a major bestseller, but the literary milestone of the year. Damn.)

So, deciding it was time to jump the gun, and go see the movie now, by stepping into my Chromoskimmer, which is the name of the regulation ACME Crime-Net Time Force time machine, um,- wait-, ummmm...- which is not, that unusual that I have, and does not insinuate that I am in any way have been or ever was apart of ACME Crime-Net, as an investigator or gumshoe and I am not apart of a secret government crimestopping organization within the CIA designed to catch V.I.L.E. henchman known for stealing famous landmarks and national treasures under the command of Carmen San Diego, the notorious famous criminal and former ACME agent, yeah, that's not, not, not at all, why I own this and have the capability to time travel, that's not, N-O-T, NOT, AT ALL, why I can do this. I'm most definitely NOT, that! I'm NOT an ACME agent, at all, I'm Not! (Whew!) Anyway, while I don't use the Chromoskimmer that often, 'cause you know, you don't want to do something and accidentally start World War IV, again, the release and possibility of being the very first person to see this film, was really too much not to pass up, and beside I needed a vacation, so a couple days ago, as reported on my TWITTER, which you can follow here:, I spent a few weeks in Cannes 2115, and screened the "100 Years", shortly after it's initial run, and you know, spend some time exploring and whatnot. It was a lot of fun; I thought my name and influence of this blog would've been a lot bigger though. I mean, I was known about, and quoted and published, but I was still, a bit of a fringe figure. I mean, I do gain in popularity after the blog's name change and rebranding late this year/early next year, but, yeah, I really need to hire some publicists to get my name out. But anyway, that's neither here nor there, let's get right to this SPECIAL REVIEW, of Robert Rodriguez's "100 YEARS"!

100 YEARS (2115) Director: Robert Rod-

Actually, hold on a second. Um, before I get to the review,-, well, the whole point of the movie, is that it's basically a time capsule, a time capsule, of we, today believe the future could or might be, in a hundred years. This is- well, there's a whole genre based on this notion, but science-fiction is usually released at the time, because it's also commenting on the times, but here, since this is for the audience, of the future, I think it's important to also to talk, just a little bit at least, about the future itself. The actual future, 2115, the world in which this movie got released into, so let's take a look at that.

Now, this is going to be a bit difficult, I mean, I can definitely discuss a few things, and you know, most supposed changes to the future that might happen, they're not gonna have everlasting imput, but I can touch on a few things at least. I mean, I'm not going to reveal sports scores of the future or anything like that, I am bound to treat time travel with the upmost seriousness and due diligence, it's not to be handled lightly.

(Cell phone rings)

Oh, hold on I gotta take this. Give me a few minutes, everybody.

(Answers cell phone, steps away from computer, while walking away from computer) Hello? Yes, I'll hold. (Pause) Mr. Roseman, nice to talk to you, listen I wanted to talk about Carson Wentz....

(Seven minutes later)

Sorry about that. Anyway, ah yes. setting the stage for "100 Years" by discussing, the world a 100 Years from now. Well, for starters, eh, while the Chromoskimmer is capable of traveling from place to place as well as time to time, I decided to just travel originally from here to the future, staying in Las Vegas, and then taking a hybrid to the Goodman Transporter and Transport to Paris from there, it's just easier, less of a burden on the Chromoskimmer, plus it's really cheap, from Vegas to Paris each way, just 20 Euros if you take Southwest International. Everything's starting to get cheaper now, after they began slowly eradicating currency shortly after the transporter was finally invented, and air travel, except through space, is basically non-existent, which is good actually, you would not believe the sky and how bright everything is! It's quite amazing, all that gas out of the sky, you can't imagine how blue it really is. Not, overly crazy about having to be naked to transport, but everybody's much more looser with clothing anyway, so that's no skin off my butt. Oh, except for the butt-skinning I got, oh that was, AH-MAZ-ZING! Oh, I really needed that buttskinning, just-, oh, feels so good right now. Buttskinnings, are amazing, they scrape off your skin, and then they sand it, while massaging your inside, and then reapply the skin to your butt, it's lasers, it's massage, it's-it's really big and I can see why, it's amazing, I haven't felt so great sitting, in forever. Really refreshing.

Anyway, I shouldn't talk about what they do have now, but I think I'll start with some things that aren't around in 100 years that might surprise some people. Obviously the American dollar, and currency itself is slowly being eradicated worldwide. Um, in America, the Republican Party, is no longer. They had been severely marginalized after but what was left of them basically imploded shortly after the 2036 election, President Elizabeth Warren convincingly won her 4th term in the White House that year, for the Social-Progressive Party, the SPP, who formed originally as a splinter group of the Democratic Party, originally after Congressman Bernie Sanders original supporters, but spread quickly and over time, the Democrats got more Independents who used to be Southern and religious Democrats, so those are the two main political parties in America now. You're basically either a Sanderite for progressive socialist liberals, or a Chelseaian for more business-savvy and traditional Democrats, named after President Chelsea Clinton's successful eight year run as President after Warren passed away in office.

Other things, that no longer exists, um, the big ones, Catholic Church, shockingly enough, doesn't technically exist in the future, this was a recent development after Pope Leo XVI, disbanded the Vatican. This was after a long anti-religion backlash, worldwide, in general, in the late 21st Century, but this was a bit of a surprise and currently, former Christians of all denominations as well as other religions, the Muslims, the Jews,the Buddhists, the Mormons, the Australian Orthodoxy, etc., they've been debating how to handle this development. Jesus Christ came down, and said he was okay with the disbandment,- Oh, yeah, Jesus came back, during this time, he was mostly cool with it. He had come down years earlier to play in the World Series of Poker, he finished 12th once, he's not bad at it, but he was okay with it, but yeah, the disbanding of the church was shocking.

Also, film and television, don't really exist anymore. I mean, they do, but, television, is basically all on the internet and everything is basically a Youtube channel now, television as we know it ended around 2060, the last year they gave out the Primetime Emmy Awards, Best Drama went to "NCIS", basically because it was that show's last season. Movies are still around, but they're mostly resigned to the internet as well, most of them anyway, a few movies every year have runs in theaters, but it's less and less every year. "100 Years" is truly an exception. They were lucky to be able to find relics of the old technology in order to play the film on, 'cause technology in general has taken over everything, and just advanced so far beyond what anybody imagined. The microchips that we're given when we turn three, basically allow visual art to be shown on a whim, directly into our mind and from the outside perspective, we're all basically telekenetic, and can move everything by simply thinking it. (The chip, does have an off switch of course, 'cause these do cause some problems, but they're still wildly preferred over the alternative.) It's a pretty cool little advancement. Oh, btw, the "X-Men", completely lost popularity after these and other advancements became more popular, seeing those things in fiction, didn't make much sense.

Technology like the flying car, or the jet pack, which may have been fantasy in the past, hasn't exactly evolved on a practical level, teleportation, basically eliminated much of the need for less primitive traveling methods to be used regularly. This has also made roads less trafficked and while cars are considered a status symbol, they're mostly brought out for special occasions now, and even then, most of the cars are classic hybrids with gas powered cars being ever-decreasing over time. This has made auto racing surprisingly more different as pit stops are less often, leading to more racing and in many cases, more crashes and injuries. NASCAR and IRL still exist for instance, in newer forms, but they've become more niche than ever.

In terms of sports, professional football's popularity has waned in recent decades, after they adapted in 2035, the new, two-hand-touch motion-censor uniforms, to prevent/limit tackling. The NFL has fallen to 24 teams after eight eventually folded or were extracted. Horse racing has died out completely and horses are only mained grazed now for meat, which has become a major delicacy in many parts of the America. Boxing and MMA are the biggest current sports draw, as well as baseball, women's basketball and the newest sport that's quickly taking over football's spot, swatchball, which is a combination of golf, soccer, football and basketball.

What else, music,music, hasn't changed much, it's as big as ever, although after rap started dying out, there was a weird movement that combining electronica with classical music, that's not bad actually, symphony orchestras making a comeback, at the moment, but still, everyone basically agrees that musically the 21st Century was a bit of a weak century. There has never been a new Beatles or Stones or Elvis yet, they're trying but, the music industry's so overproduced and marketed that it's hard to even identify artists by now.

Let's see, some interesting geography tidbits, uh, the United States now has 58 states, Puerto Rico, Guam, U.S. Virgin Islands, Cuba and British Columbia are now apart of America, and Texas is now separated into three different states, there's Texas-Houston, North Texas and Dallas, which is a bit weird, they're not geographically where you'd think they'd be but, doesn't matter. Internationally, Japan, lost six islands after the last tsunami, mostly in and around Okinawa, but that country is suffering, and that was only a few years after the Polar ice cap melted changing it's and many other coastlines forever, especially Canada, which after careful consideration, broke apart, British Columbia deciding to join America, while Quebec and Ontario broke away into their own countries, Newfoundland doesn't exist anymore and the rest of the country now goes by either West Canada or East Canada, after they were separated by a wall that goes through Regina, Saskatchewan, although it's a really nice looking wall, made of glass both clear and painted, and there's plenty of open doors and roadways in the wall, yeah, much, much, nicer than the one in Berlin, or Israel, and even the other major one in South Brazil, very nicely done wall. Monaco is now apart of France, after they're last prince passed away without an heir. There's a few more countries formed out of Russia, they've had numerous Civil wars over the century, back and forth, Siberia currently is trying to earn it's own independence, and they're debating on the boundary lines now. There's no real empires anymore, um, it's surprisingly more peaceful, even in the Middle East, although I'm not even gonna get into how all those countries finally started realigning themselves based on tribal locations, that's,- let's just say in the Middle East, outside of the West Bank, everybody finally got together, drew lines, they screwed over all the oil companies alignments, but at that point, we weren't using that much oil, but still, mostly peaceful now. Saudi Arabia is still a prick to women, but they're allowed to wear to thong bikinis now, it's getting better slowly. Africa's where everything's really a big clusterfuck, and that's still not much changed. There's more countries than ever. That's the common theme, nobody trying to take countries, except for that one time Germany tried to invade Paraguay in 2067, that was weird and it didn't turn out well, but there's a lot more of countries seeking out their own independence, or join another country voluntarily, that's a new trend and distinction from the past of history.

That said, terrorism is still a thing, mostly in the Middle East of course, but they're not as successful as they had been in the past. Most of them are suicide bombers, either that or environmental terrorists, but like I said, with religion in general on the decline, only the most extreme radicals are making a push towards the terrorism strategy, mainly out of desperation. The last major conflicts took place is in Palestine, Israel, Lebanon, those places are still on fire as always, but thankfully, more sane leaders have started stepping in the political and business worlds worldwide.

Culturally, the world has only gotten more sexualize, especially in comparison for America's past and present, particularly after the voting and legal sex age was lowered to sixteen. Parental rights continue 'til eighteen, and well as other notable age milestones by law and traditions were made, but along with more sexual freedom, as well as a more interconnected planet than ever before, most everybody meets and greets each other through the internet in some way. Twitter doesn't survive, but Facebook, Google Plus, shockingly AOL, they made a comeback and a new social media outlet, called AGENDA, created by a young computer upstarter from Ethiopia, who's since become that country's first Gay Irish President, it's literally a continuous recording of your entire life that's automatically updated to the internet based on your every action. It caught on huge, especially among the younger crowd who are obsessed with documenting their every movement, it's a faster-than-ever way of checking on someone. It was controversial for a bit, because people were using it, very exclusively for stalkers, and it in turn, was hated by companies like and Tinder, who didn't want their clientele to necessarily have their public whereabouts known at all times, but it overall proved to be a massive success and is a solid number four behind Instagram as essential social media sites.

Businesses, like I said, since the continued devaluation of currency have been noted for being sluggish, but on the other hand, there's more work and artisan products now, on all levels, and therefore while the banks are crumbling towards irrelevance, so are big chains retailers and items. There's still Wal-Mart and McDonald's surviving but Yum Foods filed for bankruptcy, so there's no Taco Bell of KFC anymore, but they've been replaced with better local alternatives in most of the country and the world.

This does mean that cultural drugs and highs are more refined than ever. Marijuana is now legalized and hemp is the major trend in everything from fashion, to energy, to even furniture and silverware, but more prescription drugs as well as lifestyle drugs in pill forms are more popular than ever. Overdoses have become the second highest cause of death among people ages 35-50, right after heart disease, and is the highest cause of death now among people ages 12-29, and especially the famous and rich struggle more with addiction than ever, especially with a new drug called Jumping Jack, hitting the club scene, that's basically molly on speed, mixed with a Red Bull. It's called jumping jack, because, not only does it get you jacked up for partying, supposedly, but you're more likely to jump off building to your death apparently. Really bad trend among the youth.

The other major health concern, now that AIDS, Cancer, the common cold, and the chicken pox have been eradicated, is over-eating. That's been curbed in recent years, especially with processed food items on the way out, but heart attacks are up, and cancers cause by too much fat and carbs is still a major problem. The joke is that, people either die before 50 or live 'til their 100. This has also led to increases in retirement age around the world, in America it's now 80. Thankfully, universal healthcare worldwide has made hospital debt a thing of the pass, and healthcare in general is better than ever. Broken bones, can be healed in hours, not weeks or days, the most invasive surgical procedures, well, the ones below the neck, are quicker, and more easily handled, often without even physical insertion, through pills or even lasers and remote-controlled arms from another room.

Yes, most everything is controlled almost beyond oneself, it's like everybody's life is now  played out almost like a video game. Strangely, video games themselves, have mostly died out, they're still around, but not as popular or as strong a field of influence over pop culture. Books made a comeback surprisingly, especially after hemp paper became more widely available.

Major collectible items from today, including old lamps, video gaming systems and cartridges, VHS and DVDs and similar film hardware, classic cars, somewhat surprisingly denim, a material that's not as popular as it was after a new fabric that combined denim with cargo, was invented so jeans are quickly becoming a thing of the past, old currency of course. Diamonds have fallen in interest and in price, but rubies have gained value. Also, board games, especially old board games, way up in value, especially if altogether.

Things that aren't valuable that one-time were, baseball cards and trading cards in general, they especially fell in price severely, only the rarest of the rare are worth anything, caviar and truffles and more common now, so their prices have fallen, music recordings have died out, CDs and cassettes are only for hardcore collectors, although vinyl remains popular. Kitchen equipment, old, new, even the oldest of fondue pots are being re-collected now. Comic books, have fallen out of favor, since it's just become too easy to animated film, and images, there's little need to tell even a hand-drawn story in comic book form now.

Also, fashion wise, there's more of an androgynous vibe across the industry, there's still certain clothing that's clearly for men and for women, but the line is getting blurred,  starting mostly around the late '20s, when straight men, tired and worn down from their limited clothing options, decided to be more adventurous and experimental, and that involved adapted such items as the jump suit, the skirt, and even the off-the-should top as their own, styles that had previously been the domain of women's clothing and that trend has evolved since. Sneakers and long-hair are now generally accepted among almost all offices and workplaces, and only a few professions, hospitals, military, police, post office, clergy and lion tamers still require uniforms for work of some kind.

It's generally, a few exceptions noted, a peaceful time at the moment worldwide, a rare one at that, but it does seem to be longlasting, even the disagreeing sides have come to more terms than others, and as I've noted before, they've even invented time travel. (Shockingly, I don't want to give too much away, but peanut butter turned out to be very important in time travel, who knew?) Overpopulation is a major problem, but after we've started to control the breathability and water on Mars, and began colonizing it, it seems more and more likely that the overpopulation problem, will subside as space technology, sponsored by Windex, continues to grow.

Anyway, that's the world of 2115, it's a much different and in many ways much of the same world as before, but many of the same as well. Some can't tell whether it's a Renaissance of the beginning of a new Dark Ages but there's a lot of contradictions and it's shockingly easy to hide famous stolen landmarks now, so I've heard. Not, that I have an experience with that.- Anyway, it's an ever-changing world in and outside the film industry, and now, a letter from the past, about the future which I was in a couple days ago. Let's now, take a look at and review "100 YEARS"!

100  YEARS (2115) Director: Robert Rodriguez


It would be easy to make a weird joke about how this is just a sequel/remake of Rodriguez's "The Adventures of Sharkboy & Lava Girl", it's not, thankfully. It is however a long commercial for Louis XIII Cognac. For those who don't know, that perticular Cognac takes 100 Years to make, and the movie imagines what the world might look like, although it does give us three separate visions, of that future, all of which are green-screened, but are beautifully done, although most of the audience admittedly was confused by it than anything else. Malkovich, who wrote the piece, plays John, he's the only character given a name, and him and the Girl, (Shuya Chang) go through the same story, intercut three times, in three different worlds, each one centered around the opening of this bottle of cognac that's only now, being opened up and revealed to the rest of the world. The congac, is of course the main MacGuffin, in each of the universes, one that's more sci-fiction, that's relatively close to modern times of the actual 2115, the other two, the more Edenistic world and the more, "Blade Runner" universe, got chuckles mostly from the audience, but knowing the skill involved in Claudio Miranda's beautiful, masterful photography, I was certainly impressed. The effects, are fine, not special themselves, but they hold their own. The story remains the same, a fellow connoisseur antagonist, (Marko Zaror) is waiting when they arrive for the cognac, and in each universe, spoilers, the cognac is the thing that causes and saves the problem. It's short, just under 15 minutes if you include credits, but they worked hard at it, and for what it's worth, the cognac works. I was lucky to have a sip even though it currently goes for almost $3,000 U.S. dollars a bottle, the price significantly dropped since then to roughly, the average of $700 U.S. dollars in today's money, but it's still impressive. As a short film that makes us contemplate the lengthy time-period of 100 years, I think it failed. It's way too short, and not worth the wait, at least 100 years of waiting to see. Most seemed happy and excited in the audience, but for a story to cover what it means to go through 100 years and contemplate the future, it needs to at least feel like it's gone through a long time contemplating that. Rodriguez is a fine director, and he had amazing people working under him, but this might've been more ambitious and better in the hands of maybe someone like Terrence Malick, somebody who actually does contemplate the theme of time passing more thoroughly in their work. Still though, "100 Years", is gonna be worth watching, and even if it is a glorified commercial, everything's a glorified commercial nowadays (The screening I saw it in, was before a feature film documentary about the history of Hostess cakes, so, it's a commercial that came before a documentary about Twinkies strangely enough. [For the record, I don't recommend the cognac with the Twinkies, not a good pairing. A little better with the Ho-Ho's but I'd much prefer pairing with with a nice aged Gouda, or just some vodka injected-chocolate strawberries. If you must have a meat with it, I'd recommend something gamey like the quail or the duck, preferably with a mole sauce]). So, it's been 100 Years for "100 Years" and like every bottle of cognac, it's memorable and fulfilling at first taste, but eventually, the bottle runs out.

(LAWYER'S NOTE: This blog is pure fantasy, nothing about it is true. Do not confuse this for an actual review of the movie "100 Years") 

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