Thursday, December 27, 2012

THE 2ND ANNUAL OYL AWARDS! HONORING THE BEST IN FILM FROM THE YEAR BEFORE LAST! Presented by David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews"


Welcome Everyone, to the 2ND ANNUAL ONE-YEAR-LATER AWARDS!

(Drumroll ends, theme music plays, Host comes out, Applause!)

Thank you, Welcome!.

(Theme music end, applause dies)

Welcome to the 2nd Annual One-Year-Later Awards, or the OYLs, as we like to call them, just to confuse people.

(Small laugh)

Yes, the OYLs, a strange name for an Award. An Award by the way, we have still not yet designed.


We've worked on it a little. We thought about making Awards out of actual, oil, it didn't really pan out. A big friggin' mess, everywhere. We do give Plax though, to the winners. Not plaques, the Award, Plax, the mouthwash, you know the one with the minty smell....

(Small laughter)

I told Bruce Vilanch that joke wouldn't work, he said go with it. Alright, we're here, to honor, the best in Cinema, from last year, as oppose to the many great films, because, unlike the Oscars, we like to make sure we get it right.

(Laughter, then applause)

Thank you. We've taken the time, seen all the movies, from last year, Well, not all of them, 242 from last year, alone. We would've seen more actually, but that meant it would've cut into out TV watching time, and we needed to vote on "The Voice".

(Mild laughter)

With the rest of the spare time, we were reading "Fifty Shades of Gray".


We're still in the middle of that actually, we're getting closer, it's a bit tough read. Got to takes periodic breaks after some of the more erotic passages.

(Laughter, groans)

No, it's not what you're thinking, we're just masturbating.
(Groans, laughter)
And, that's a line that you'd never hear Billy Crystal say at the Oscars.


Thank you, and with that, let's go on to the first presenter, and literally, we have presenters this year.
Yes, true. Presenters. We got a big budget year, in our minds. Not enough to get people to allow for speeches, but, enough for presenters this year.

(Slight laughter)

Presenting out first Award of the evening, the woman who won the first ever OYL Award for Best Supporting Actress last year, for "Black Swan", Mila Kunis!

(Mila Kunis walks out to a podium)

Their are nine nominees this year in the Best Supportin Actor category. Among their parts, are a legendary actor, a legendary director, a legendary writer, an old man who's coming out as gay, a straight man who was a victim of a gay bashing, a cult leader, a Mafia don, a discipliarian father, and a monkey.

(Slight laughter)
Here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actor:

Kenneth Branagh-"My Week with Marilyn"
Albert Brooks-"Drive"
John Hawkes-"Martha Marcy May Marlene"
Sir Ben Kingsley-"Hugo"
Patton Oswalt-"Young Adult"
Brad Pitt-"The Tree of Life"
Christopher Plummer-"Beginners"
Andy Serkis-"Rise of the Planet of the Apes"
Corey Stoll-"Midnight in Paris"

And the OYL Award, goes to...

(Mila opens Envelope)

... BRAD PITT, for "The Tree of Life"!

(Applause, "Siciliana Da Antiche Danze Ed Aria Suite III" by Ottorino Respichi plays.)

Presenting the Best Ensemble Casting Award, a 2-time OYL Award nominee last year for "Mother and Child" and "The Kids Are All Right", Annette Bening!

(Annette Bening walks out to podium as Mila Kunis walks off)

This is the first time, the One-Year-Later Awards have chosen to honor, the ensemble casting of the picture. The Award is in recognition for the Outstanding Acting Achievements of a film's entire cast, and is presented to the film's Casting Director, or in one of our nine nominees case, the films executive producer and producer. The nominees are:

The Artist-Heidi Levitt
Contagion-Carmen Cuba
Crazy, Stupid, Love-Mindy Marin
The Descendants-John Jackson
Hugo-Ellen Lewis
Margin Call-Tiffany Little Canfield and Bernard Telsey
Midnight in Paris-Stephanie Foenkinos, Patricia Kerrigan DiCerto, and Juliet Taylor
A Separation-(Ex. Pro.) Negar Eskandafar; (Pro.) Asghar Farhadi
The Tree of Life-Vicky Boone and Francine Maisler

And the OYL Awards goes to...

(Opens envelope)

...Stephanie Foenkinos, Particia Kerrigan DiCerto ,and Juliet Taylor, for "MIDNIGHT IN PARIS".


(Applause, "Let's Do It" by Cole Porter plays.)

(Host comes back on stage clapping, as Annette walks off.)

We'd like to introduce you to our next presenter, but he's not here.

(Slight laughter)

Actually he might be for all we know, but we don't know who he is, so even he was here, we wouldn't recognize him. So, joining us, by satellite feed, from an undisclose side of a building somewhere, an OYL Awards Nominee for Best Director last year and the OYL Award Winner for Best Documentary, for "Exit Through the Gift Shop," Banksy!

(On a giant screen that's just been lowered, a snowed screen undissolves to find Banksy, hidden in shadow and a hooded sweatshirt hiding his face. Big applause from the audience. When he speaks, his voice is heavily distorted.)

Thank you. This year, the OYL Awards have honored ten films, the maximum, amount of nominees in the Best Documentary category. The award goes to the film's Director(s) and Producers(s), and they are...

(As they begin the montage of nominees, Banksy turns to a nearby wall, in a darkly lit area, and begins spraypainting.)

Beats, Rhymes and Life: The Travels of A Tribe Called Quest-(Dir.) Michael Rapaport; (Pro.) ATCQ, Robert Benavides, Debra Koffler, Eric Matthies, Frank Mele, Ed Parks, and Erika Williams
Conan O'Brien Can't Stop-(Dir.) Rodman Flender; (Pro) Rachel Griffin and Gavin Polone
The Interrupters-(Dir./Pro.) Steve James; (Pro.) Alex Kotlowitz
Into the Abyss-(Dir.) Werner Herzog; (Pro.) Eric Nelson
Life in a Day-(Dir.) Kevin MacDonald; (Pro.) Liza Marshall
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory-(Dir./Pro.) Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky; (Pro.) Jonathan Silberberg
Pearl Jam Twenty-(Dir./Pro) Cameron Crowe; (Pro.) Kelly Curtis, Andy Fischer, Barbara McDonough, and Morgan Neville
Pina-(Dir./Pro.) Wim Wenders; (Pro.) Gian-Perro Ringel *[NOT OFFICIAL NOMINEE]
POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold-(Dir./Pro.) Morgan Spurlock; (Pro.) Keith Calder, Jeremy Chilnick, Abbie Hurewitz, and Jessica Wu
Project Nim-(Dir.) James Marsh; (Pro.) Simon Chinn
Tabloid-(Dir.) Errol Morris; (Pro.) Julie Ahlberg and Mark Lipson

(Banksy turns back around to the camera from the wall.)
And the OYL Award goes to...

(Banksy exits camera left. Offscreen, he turns on lightstand, pointed directly at the wall, where a big elaborate picture of the logo, of the winning film is prominently displayed)


(Applause, "A Day at a Time" by Abbie Goulding plays)

To announce the first ever OYL Award for Best Editing, an OYL Award nominee for Supporting Actor last year, for "Winter's Bone," and a nominee again tonight for "Martha Marcy May Marlene", John Hawkes!

(Screen rises back up as John Hawkes comes out. Applause!)

(Half-hearted, comically)
Congratulation, Brad.

(Audience laughs, before John smirks slyly, before going back to the teleprompter)

When they choose to give out an OYL Award for Editing, they didn't intend for the category to have, the maximum, of ten nominations, but it does. Good movies, or all kinds require exceptional editing to tell the story, whether it's a comedy, action, drama, biopic, horror, even documentary, all of those are represented in the category tonight. Here are the nominees...

The Descendants-Kevin Tent
Drive-Mat Newman
Hugo-Thelma Schoonmaker
Life in a Day-Joe Walker
Margin Call-Pete Beaudreau
Moneyball-Christopher Tellefsen
A Separation-Hayedeh Safeyari
The Tree of Life-Hank Corwin, Jay Rabinowitz, Daniel Rezende, Billy Weber and Mark Yoshikawa
We Need to Talk About Kevin-Joe Bini
Young Adult-Dana E. Glauberman

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens Envelope)

Hank Corwin, Jay Rabinowitz, Daniel Rezends, Billy Weber and Mark Yoshikawa.

(Corwin not pictured)


(Applause, "Siciliana Da Antiche Danze Ed Aria Suite III" by Ottorino Respichi plays.)

To announce the OYL Award for Best Animated Feature, a Best Actor nominee last year for "Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll", and a Best Supporting Actor nominee earlier tonight, for "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," Andy Serkis!

(Big applause and Andy Serkis walks on stage and John Hawkes walks off)

I know a lot about animation, most of my performances seem to be animated.


This year, the five nominees in the Best Animated Feature category, are not just CGI, but also use motion-capture, and even traditional hand-drawn animation, and also tell stories as varied as a Cuban love story, to a world-traveling adventure, to western, to martial arts action film, to a family drama involving a jewel theif. The Award goes to the films director(s) and producer(s); here are the nominees!

The Adventures of Tintin-(Dir./Pro.) Steven Spielberg; (Pro.) Peter Jackson and Kathleen Kennedy
A Cat in Paris-(Dir.) Jean-Loup Felicoli & Alain Gagnol; (Pro.) Jacques-Remy Girerd
Chico & Rita-(Dir.) Tono Errando, Javier Mariscal and Fernando Trueba; (Pro.) Santi Errando, Christina Huete, Martin Pope and Michael Rose
Kung Fu Panda 2-(Dir.) Jennifer Yuh Nelson; (Pro.) Melissa Cobb
Rango-(Dir./Pro.) Gore Verbinski; (Pro.) John B. Carls and Graham King

And the winner is...

(Opens envelope)

...RANGO! Gore Verbinski, John B. Carls and Graham King.

(Applause, "Rango Theme Song" by Los Lobos plays. After, Host walks back on stage.)

(Clapping hands)
What do you know, two years in a row, we match the Oscars in that category. One of the few. Our next presenter, also won his OYL Award last year, to go along with his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, for "The Fighter". Ladies and gentleman, Christian Bale!

(Christian Bale enters from across the stage. Big applause)

This year, there was incredible difficulty in narrowing down the nominees in each of the Acting categories, with Supporting Actress being no exception.

(Unexpected applause)

Yes, let's clap.

(Applause continues)

There are the maximum, ten nominees this year in the Best Supporting Actress category, and the nominees are...

Elena Anaya-"The Skin I Live In"
Sareh Bayat-"A Separation"
Berenice Bejo-"The Artist"
Jessica Chastain-"The Tree of Life"
Dagmara Dominczyk-"Higher Ground"
Judy Greer-"The Descendants"
Keira Knightley-"A Dangerous Method"
Melissa McCarthy-"Bridesmaids"
Carey Mulligan-"Shame"
Shailene Woodley-"The Descendants"

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope)

...hmm...ELENA ANAYA, "The Skin I Live In"!

(Surprise upswell, followed by big applause. Shades of Marble by Trentmuller plays)

Announcing the award for Best Foreign Language Film, a Best Actress OYL Award nominee last year for "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo", Noomi Rapace!

(Noomi Rapace walks onstage with slight applause, as Christian Bale walks off to the side.)

The eight nominees in the Best Foreign Language Film category, spread over three continents, and eight different languages, and includes topic ranging from father/son dramas over career success, a shoeshiner who starts taking care of a young African muggler, a lonely journalist with a violent sexual desire, and a house of prostitution. A Grandmother trying to fight Alzheimer's, a family trying to survive a divorce, A teacher trying to teach a grief-stricken elementary school class, and, eh, whatever "Uncle Boonmee..." was about.


The Award goes to the films' director(s); the nominees are...

Footnote-Joseph Cedar (Israel)
House of Pleasures (aka House of Tolerance)-Bertrand Bonello (France)
Le Havre-Aki Kaurismaki (Finland/Germany)
Leap Year (aka Ano Bisiesto)-Michael Rowe (Mexico)
Monsieur Lazhar-Philippe Falardeau (Canada)
Pina-Wim Wenders (Germany) *[NOT OFFICIAL NOMINEE]
Poetry-Chang-Dong Lee (South Korea)
A Separation-Asghar Farhadi (Iran)
Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives-Apichatong Weerasethakul (Thailand)

And the OYL goes to...

(Opens envelope)

...A SEPARATION, Asghar Farhadi.

(Applause, "A Separation" by Sattar Oraki plays. Host comes out on other side as Noomi Rapace walks off, he claps.)

Congratualations Asghar, and to Elena Anaya, I just lost $50 in the pool because of her.


I'm kidding, very happy for you.
(Slowly talking as though he doesn't mean.)
Ver-ry happy for you. Not gonna miss that money at all.

(Laughter. More laughter after Host delays speaking a second, still visibly upset)

Our next presenter won both the OYL Award and the Academy Awards for Best Adapted Screenplay for "The Social Network", which is good because unless you count all 51 of the other Critics Choices, Emmys, WGA, and stuff, he hadn't won much until then.

Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Aaron Sorkin!

(Big applause for as Aaron Sorkin comes out on the side of the stage.)

Looks like I'm ahead in the pool.

(Slight laughter)

While I won this Award last year for Adapted Screenplay, I certainly know how difficult it is to write original work, and this was an incredible year for original screenplays, and the nominations include a great and eclectic group of writers, across all genres. Here are the nine nominees for Best Original Screenplay...

The Artist-Michel Hazanavicius
Leap Year (aka Ano Bisiesto)-Lucia Carreras and Michael Rowe
Margin Call-JC Chandor
Midnight in Paris-Woody Allen
Rampart-James Ellroy and Oren Moverman
A Separation-Asghar Farhadi
Shame-Steve McQueen and Abi Morgan
The Tree of Life-Terrence Malick
Young Adult-Diablo Cody

It's my honor, to announce that the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope)

...Diablo Cody-"YOUNG ADULT"!

(Some surprise gasps and groans before a big applause. "The Concept" by Teenage Fanclub plays)

To present the OYL for Best Adapted Screenplay, a 3-Time OYL Award nominee last year, for Producing, Directing, and last year's OYL Awards winner for Best Original Screenplay for "Inception", Christopher Nolan!

(Big applause as Christopher Nolan goes walks onstage, right as Aaron Sorkin walks off.)

In many ways, it's actually tougher to adapt a screenplay from a previous work, because many in the audience, already know what's going to happen, or what should happen at least. Sometimes, they change it completely, other times, they must trust that the original work will be strong enough, and that it will continue to excite the audience, even if they know which direction the story's going. Either way, the six nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay had to have been deeply inspired by the original work itself, to create such strong screenplays for these films. The nominees are...

A Dangerous Method-Christopher Hampton
The Descendants-Alexander Payne, and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash
Drive-Hossein Amini
Higher Ground-Carolyn S. Briggs and Tim Metcalfe
Hugo-John Logan
We Need to Talk About Kevin-Lynne Ramsay and Rory Stewart Kinnear

And the OYL Award, goes to...

(Opens envelope)

...THE DESCENDANTS! Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon & Jim Rash.
(Applause, "Leahi" by Gabby Pihinui plays)

(After a few moments, Nolan walks off. Backstage, we follow Nolan walking out, he passes Host, Jesse Eisenberg and Colin Firth. Host is mediating an argument between the other two.)

Okay, that's enough! We have to announce, the Award so, I'm gonna settle this, right now, alright.

(Host takes out coin)

Winner gets to pick which Award, he gives out, Actress or Picture, alright?

(Colin First and Jesse Eisenberg, reluctantly agree)

Good, Colin, call it in the air.

(Host about to flip coin)

Hang on, why does he call it?

Fine you call it.

Hang on, you said I can call it?

Is that a fair coin, it's looks it two heads?

It's a fair coin. Look-
(Shows both sides of the coin)
Heads, tails. Here, I'm flipping the coin, one of you call it, alright.
(Host flips coin)


(Coin falls on floor)

Jesse called heads. It's heads.

Yes! Actress.

Well, go out now, and present it. Keep it moving.

See-ya Colin.

(Jesse runs off towards the stage)

Go! It's an Award show, we're already running two hours long! Jees. He does know that none of the actresses are here to accept the Award, right?

(Slight pause)
Did I forget to mention that to him?


(Back to the stage)

Announcing the OYL for Best Actress, one of last years's OYL Award Winners for Best Actor for "The Social Network", Jesse Eisenberg!

(End of laughter, then applause, as Jesse Eisenberg comes out on stage)

For the second-straight year, the OYL Awards has given the maximum of ten nominations in the Best Actress category. They say there's no good parts for women these day, but these women are proving that wrong, with parts ranging from a mother who's no good husband suddenly dropped dead, a mother who's son shot up his college, a mother who's son killed his family and his shot up his high school, a mother going through a tough divorce, a mother, struggling with her own evergrowing religious beliefs,


a grandmother fighting oncoming Alzheimer's, a journalist who's suicidal and oversexual, a teenager runaway who joins a cult, a former prom queen turned trainwreck, and Marilyn Monroe. See, they weren't all mothers.


The nominees for Best Actress are...

Maria Bello-"Beautiful Boy"
Monica Del Carmen-"Leap Year (aka Ano Bisiesto)"
Vera Farmiga-"Higher Ground"
Jenna Fischer-"A Little Help"
Leila Hatami-"A Separation"
Elizabeth Olsen-"Martha Marcy May Marlene"
Tilda Swinton-"We Need to Talk About Kevin"
Charlize Theron-"Young Adult"
Michelle Williams-"My Week with Marilyn"
Jeong-hie Yun-"Poetry"

And the winner is...

(Opens envelope)

...CHARLIZE THERON for "Young Adult"!

(Big applause. "The Concept" by Teenage Fanclub plays)

To present the Award for Best Actor, a Best Actress nominee tonight for "My Week with Marilyn", and last year's OYL Award winner for Best Actress for "Blue Valentine", Michelle Williams!

(Big applause, as Jesse Eisenberg walks off stage, and on the opposite side Michelle Williams walks on, not caring at all that she just lost in her category a minute ago.)

Congratulations, Charlize. Just like the Lead Actress category, this year, the Best Actor category for the first time, reached the maximum of ten nominees.


Yes, and they were as varied performances as a silent film star to a movie stunt driver, from a father, struggling through his divorce, to a father, dealing with his wife's coma. A father dealing with the horrify act his son did, to a father, trying to raise his son despite being an illegal immigrant. A struggling alcoholic, to a struggling sex addict, to a corrupt L.A. policeman, who's a master circumnavigate a lawful system, to a baseball owner, trying to find a new system for winning. And, the last two were also fathers.

(Slight laughter)

It's my honor to announce the OYL Award for Best Actor. Here are the nominees...

Demian Bichir-"A Better Life"
George Clooney-"The Descendants"
Jean Dujardin-"The Artist"
Michael Fassbender-"Shame"
Will Ferrell-"Everything Must Go"
Ryan Gosling-"Drive"
Woody Harrelson-"Rampart"
Payman Maadi-"A Separation"
Brad Pitt-"Moneyball"
Michael Sheen-"Beautiful Boy"

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope. Pauses before talking)

...GEORGE CLOONEY, "The Descendants".

(Very big applause. "Leahi" by Gabby Pihinui plays.)

Last year's winner of the OYL Award for Best Director for "The Social Network", David Fincher!

(Big applause as David Fincher walks on stage, as Michelle Williams walks out.)

Before anything else can happen, a director must have a vision, and he must capture it on film. This sounds simple, but it's not, and there are dozens of ways that this can be done, and in the midst of the chaos of a film set, it won't be obvious to most people, just how they're telling a story, until the finished product. The nine nominees for Best Director couldn't be more different from one another, and it's a safe bet that none of them, would've told each others stories, the same way they did. Here are the nominees for Best Director.

Woody Allen-"Midnight in Paris"
David Cronenberg-"A Dangerous Method"
Asghar Farhadi-"A Separation"
Terrence Malick-"The Tree of Life"
Alexander Payne-"The Descendants"
Lynne Ramsay-"We Need to Talk About Kevin"
Jason Reitman-"Young Adult"
Michael Rowe-"Leap Year (aka Ano Bisiesto)"
Martin Scorsese-"Hugo"

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope)

...TERRENCE MALICK-"The Tree of LIfe"!

(Big applause! "Siciliana Da Antiche Danze Ed Aria Suite III" by Ottorino Respichi plays. Host sneaks back onstage, clapping as Fincher walks out)

You know, even in a fake Awards ceremony like this one, I have a hard time imagining that Malick's gonna show up next year to present.


Guy makes one movie every decade maybe, and he's been photographed maybe twiced, I don't think he'll show up.


Well, we have just one category left everyone. To present Best Picture, by way of losing a coin toss, last year's Best Actor Oscar winner, and one of two OYL Award winners last year for Best Actor for "The King's Speech", Mr. Colin Firth!

(Scattered laughter during Host's introduction turns into big applause as Colin Firth enters and heads to the podium.)

As always, there are ten nominees for Best Picture, and it's time like these where you realize how different movies can be from another. One takes place in 1920s Paris, the other travels back in time to 1920s Paris. There's a comedy about a man who's wife in a coma, and a psychological horror about a mother who's son is a sociopath. One takes place during cinema's transition from silent to talkies, another takes place, at a Wall Street boardroom, and one takes place, in a young journalist's Mexico City apartment. One's about a woman going back to her hometown, another's about a family falling apart, and another, is about no less than life itself. And the nominees are...

The Artist (Pro.) Thomas Langmann
The Descendants (Pro.) Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor and Jim Burke
Hugo (Pro.) Graham King, Martin Scorsese, Johnny Depp and Tim Headington
Leap Year (aka Ano Bisiesto) (Pro.) Edher Campos & Luis Salinas
Margin Call (Pro.) Robert Odgen Barnum, Michael Benaroya, Neal Dodson, Joe Jenckes, Corey Moosa and Zachary Quinto
Midnight in Paris (Pro.) Letty Aronson, Jaume Roures and Stephen Tenenbaum
A Separation (Pro.) Asghar Farhadi
The Tree of Life (Pro.) Dede Gardner, Sarah Green, Grant Hill, Brad Pitt and Bill Pohlad
We Need to Talk About Kevin (Pro.) Jennifer Fox, Luc Roeg and Robert Salerno
Young Adult (Pro.) Diablo Cody, Lianne Halfon, Mason Novick, Jason Reitman and Russell Smith

And the One-Year-Later Award for Best Picture goes to...

(Opens envelope, pauses)


(Drumroll ends. Big applause! "Siciliana Da Antiche Danze Ed Aria Suite III" by Ottorino Respichi plays.)

(Colin Firth walks off stage as Host goes on.)

Well, that's our show. Congratulations to all the Winners! And Sorry to all you losers. Come back next year, and don't forget to watch the Oscars to see if they frig it up again. Good night!

(Theme songs plays again. Credits roll)

(Over credits)
All vote tabulations are done by the accountants working at "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews." The results of those tabulations are kept secret until the envelopes are opened on the night of the Awards.

Lawyer's Note: "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews", denies all existence of the One-Year-Later Awards and disputes all claims of any bribery or blackmail claims regarding the results of se non-existent Award show. They also denies all claims that any person, host, announcer or celebrity appeared at the OYL Awards broadcast, that doesn't exist, and that no celebrity was forced against his/her will through acts blackmail, kidnapping, bribery, torture, ransom, or otherwise coaxed into attending  through these or any other supposedly illegal means, which they didn't appear at because the show didn't exist.

All celebrities who attend received gift bags sponsored by Plax Mouthwash.

The OYL Awards is a "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews" production.
In association with Midnight Green Studios.

*While "Pina", wasn't viewed in time to be eligible for the OYL Awards, had it been viewed in time, it would've been nominated, hence, the after-the-fact notation. 

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