HOW COME VAMPIRES GET ALL THE GIRLS, WHILE ZOMBIES GET SHOT IN THE HEAD? and OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS ON VAMPIRES!

If there's been an oversaturation of anything in entertainment over the last few years, it would almost have to be vampires. Some of these are good, like the Alan Ball series "True Blood," which in many ways seems like the way, I would react to vampires, and wish that vampires would react to me. Others have not been so good, like "Twilight," or "The Vampire Diaries", which seem to go back into a cliche that I always believed about vampires, and that certain horror fans, especially women, will watch anything with vampires, because on some level, they have a sexual fetish for them. I'm not criticizing, and I understand it; vampires are clearly the sexiest villains, and by a mile too, but I would think people would be more picky about them, that's all, but once I realized Anne Rice's popularity was never gonna let up, I started thinking this way about the phenomenon. What I didn't plan on, was that other horror film supernatural staples, would have their own kind of popularity. I talked about zombies last year, where I hypothesized about the motives of zombies, and how they'd probably do nothing if they weren't getting their heads shot off every movie. What really inspired me to write that fun satirical piece, was that many of my friends, especially on Facebook, were really big fans of zombies. Well, "fan," is a little questionable word here; most of them were preparing for a Zombie Apocalypse, which I found, well, I found it creepy. Not that I think something like that is impossible (I'm pretty sure a zombie apocalypse is impossible), but actually, I figured that, I wouldn't particularly be afraid of a zombie apocalypse, and if anything, there could be a lot of positive outcomes to that, and I'm not even taking into effect the possibility that they could really kill some people who, shouldn't be living. (Hmmm. Let's start with Rush Limbaugh, then you Ann Coulter, and then, that slow sonofabitch who's driving in front of me, ten miles below the speed limit in the fast lane on the freeway...) Although, actually, I'm not sure that's a great idea, because once they kill people, wouldn't they then become zombies themselves?

Ah-, anyway. Of course, to some extent, all these beings have some fans who are immediately attracted to them, in some kind of fetishistic fashion. On that level, vampires fandom, does make the most sense to me. Vampires have personality. They don't attack their victims blindly without cause, or with sophisticated murder weapons like knife or chainsaws. They're more creative, and have more tools at their disposal. Sure, they need to suck blood to survive, and they can fairly easily suck the blood of whoever they want to, without any real effect, but that's not nearly as interesting to them. They can hypnotize their victims, into being seduced by them. They go out to parties, have fun all night. Sure they sleep during the day, but there's really nothing good on television in the morning anyway. (Sorry Ellen, you know I love you.) Strangely, they're susceptible to garlic and crosses, and they don't like silver that much either, but not as much as werewolves hate silver. (Another one, I'm not a fan of, werewolves. Don't really.... Well, I'm pretty anti-social, so the idea of having to be in a pack seems weird to me in general.) There's some mythology explaining the cross, but garlic? I wonder if vampires like tic-tacs, or what's the big one now, altoids...-? Well, I don't know why they hate garlic, do you? It's natural, I put it on everything. Maybe that's why there are never any Italian vampires?

So these vampires, what do they do? The live forever, unless they get killed, which is okay, 'cause they're already dead, they stalk the night, and seem to somehow seduce people, usually women, sometimes men, and suck their blood, which is their life force. You think they would've died out after AIDS, but now, they have a synthetic blood, which can be used instead of real blood, which is cool, kinda. They want to pay taxes and vote, so that's pretty cool. Helping out the country. They are very sexual creatures. How come can be undead and get all the pussy they want, but zombies, who are also the walking dead, they just want to kill and eat your brains? Vampires are so much more creative, you know? And sophistocated. That's the other thing, most of the horror storylines involve stupid teenagers, doing everything possible to basically, right in the spot for them to be sliced and diced. Not when vampires are involved. We're talking, the upper crust of society. The "going-to-the-opera," crowd-type people. Not all of them, a lot of them are in Louisiana, but they still tend to come off as smug, arrogant, and confident. They're very well-mannered and polite. They don't even go into their home unless you invite them, very corteous. They know poetry, music and history (Well, some of them just were around that long, well, they know it anyway, however they learned it) and have some opinions and great battles of wit. They're almost always good-looking too. Handsome, or if it's a woman, they're provocative and beautiful. Always in the most stylish and seductive outfits, which is strange considering they can't see themselves in the mirror. They must have some really good stylists to help them. Let them know what looks good, and what doesn't. You can't really look like a bum or a hippie and be a vampire can you?

Vampire's always have something going on, in their minds, don't they? That's probably what makes them so intriguing. Good ones, bad ones, there's always an ulterior motive, and they're always up to something. They're always trying to get to you. I like that about vampires. They have ideas and motives that are simply intriguing. That's why these vampires who are constantly falling in love and remaining virgins until marriage are kinda weird. You can do so many things as a vampire, but love. It goes against their nature, and teenage puppy love at that, ugh. Not even teenagers really, 'cause real teenagers, (Well, not me) but most teenagers are experimenting in sex so much already. Thank God they are, or Maury Povich would be out of a job. So these vampires are repressing the sexual urges, just to be with a human, who they're madly in love with, ready to spend eternity with them, but they won't turn their partner into a vampire? WTF! I mean, if you're gonna fall in love, and be madly in love forever, and you have the ability to do that...! Jesus Christ! This is an answer as humanly possible, isn't it? I mean, maybe you weight until she's at her absolute peak of beauty, I can see that. It'd probably be better to turn most girls, after they get breast implants then before. (Well, it'd have to be, you can't perform plastic surgery on a corpse, can you?!) So, if she wants that, then maybe wait a bit. Don't wait too long, or she'll be all wrinkly, but other than that, they're just typical masochistic teenage boys, and that ain't attractive, really, not in the long term.

So, some vampires, are really cool and others, well, they kinda su- (Nah, too easy). You get the idea though. Some like them a lot. I certainly can understand the appeal and the attraction, and some of the disturbing animalistic sounds that friends of mine makes when they're thinking a little too intently about vampires, which some of them do, surprisingly often, (I gotta get some normal friends at some point) but like anything else, if you're using vampires, it has to be done well, just like anything else. Just like zombies, just like ghosts, witches, goblins, werewolves, werepanthers, fairies,... there's a lot of fucking supernatural shit out there, isn't there. Well, at least they don't all go out on one night a year and berade and terrorize the neighborhood in search of something stupid, like candy. Thank God for that-

What do you mean, that's what they do? Who? Everyone!? I thought we did Halloween last year! Oh for (bleep)'s sake, why are they doing it again!? Oh that's stupid. Every year! Who's bull(bleep) idea is it to let those (bleep)s out and egg and toiletpaper my house again and all that other crap like last year. Those (bleep)ing pricks-----

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TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY.

(4 1/2 MINUTES LATER)

Happy Halloween everyone.

(O.S.)
We're done.

No way those (bleep)ing kids are getting candy out of me, those (bleep)s.

(O.S.)
Oh, sorry, David, sound's still on.

What?

Oh (Bleep)!

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TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY