Wednesday, January 17, 2018


(Inside HULU Offices, CONAN O'BRIEN knocks on SARAH SILVERMAN's office door)

Hey Sarah!

(Sarah looks up from her desk)

Oh, hi Conan, what a nice surprise.

I-uh, I called and told you, I was coming, remember.

Right, that was you, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was.

(Long pause)

Well, come on in, sit down.


(Conan enters and sits down)

What did you want to talk about?

Well, I'm sure you're aware that the OYL Awards are coming up.

Oh, I've been nominated for twice for those; how many times were you nominated?

(Uncomfortable pause)
Um,-, well, it doesn't matter, but word has it they're thinking about having a former host come back and host this year-

I thought they had a host set this year?

They did.

(FLASHBACK MONTAGE of ME making several announcements to the press)

It's my privilege to announce that our host this year will be the former OYL Award Nominee as a member of the cast of "Margin Call", the great and beloved Kevin Spacey!

I'm proud to announce that our new host, a past 2-time nominee as a member of the casts of "Blue Jasmine" and "American Hustle", the great Louis C.K.!

It's our great honor to have the great Senator, Al Franken as our host.-

Danny Masterson will host...-

The great Jeffrey Tambor, has agreed to fill  in as host...-

The wonderful Singer-songwriter and former "The Voice" contestant Melanie Martinez will host this year...-

(Talking off to side of podium)
I seriously can't believe the one random girl we picke-
(Realizing he's being caught by mike.)
Ah, yes, we're proud to announce that the great Dustin Hoffman, has stepped in-

Woody Al-, nevermind, we're not announcing a host today!

Proud to announce former "Smallville" actress Allison Mack, will host the OYL Awards this year. And it will stay that way, unless she's apart of some secret sex cult or something.

So, Allison Mack will no longer...-
(Holding in anger)
Um, be hosting the OYLs...-

(Montage ends)

So yeah, the word is, they're looking to go back to a past host for this year's OYLs, and it sounds like we're the top candidates.

Ah, I see.

So, I came, 'cause-, I was hoping that, if they asked you, that you would host.

You don't want to do it?

Of course, nobody wants to host it,  it's the OYLs,- but I promised them that if they were in a pinch I would do it again, if there was literally nobody else.

Oh, so you want me to-

Yeah, you do it this time, so I don't have to say yes.

Not a problem Conan.

Thank you.

But, I do need you to do something for me first.

I'll do anything you ask.

That's what I was hoping you'd say.

(Sarah presses a button on her desk which slams her office door shut and closes the blinds.)

(Long confused pause)
Do you have a button under your desk that does that?

I have a lot of pull here. So, anyway, about those things I need you to do.....

(Sarah stands up.)

Like what?

(Cut to outside her office, where Conan comes flying through Sarah's window headfirst, shattering the glass. ME walks past right as he starts getting up.)

Conan? You okay?

You need me to host?

Uhhhh, well,-

I'll do it.

Okay, thank you.

(Conan runs off, exit screen left. I look at Sarah standing in her office.)

Did something weird happen in here, Sarah?

I don't know what happened, I just asked him to take a sculpting class with me.

Is that all you asked?

(Awkward pause)
I might've insinuated that "sculpting" meant anal.

(Longer awkward pause)
You were trying to get out of hosting the OYLs by sexually harassing Conan weren't you?

Worked like a charm too.

(Me shakes his head at Sarah. Dissolve fade to panning of Awards Show crowd, Drumroll starts)

Welcome to the 7th Annual ONE-YEAR-LATER AWARDS!

(AUDIENCE claps as award show music plays)

Ladies and Gentlemen, our host for the OYL Awards, Conan O'Brien)

(AUDIENCE claps louder as Conan O'Brien enters stage right and approaches center stage, in his usual goody manner, with the familiar Conan mannerisms, highlighted with his signature string dance)

Thank you. Welcome to the 7th Annual One-Year-Later Awards, an award taking place in 2018, that was supposed to take place in 2017, honoring and remembering the best of 2016; in other words, Welcome to 6th Circle of Hell!

(Laughter from audience)

Oh man, these last couple years. Seriously, it's like every day we wake up and say, "Oh, what new sweet Hell is this?!" But that's enough about Melania's life.

(Mix of laughs and disgruntled ooohs)

I love how some of the audience is cheering and the other half is like, "Oh, that's funny, but that's mean!" I mean, we have to talk about Trump, we don't want to, but he's competition now. Did you hear this? Yeah, Trump announced that he would giving out his own "Fake News Awards".

(Audience boos)

Yeah, can you believe it, he's creating his own awards. Amazingly, Trump found a way to give fake, stupid made-up awards shows where only one person votes and determines the winner, and done on a blog that nobody reads, a bad name.

(Audience laughs)

It's amazing. It's the literal equivalent of the Bottom of the Barrel going, "Well, at least I ain't that."

(Audience, kinda chuckles, but not really)

Let's get to the movies, shall we? Yes, 'cause this is a made-up awards show, and we're honoring the best in cinema, and anything that's an escape from reality deserves to be rewarded. 2016, was an interesting year for film. Interesting year for award shows too...

(Audience chuckles)

The one big question everybody's asking about the OYLs, how the hell did "La La Land" not get into Best Picture? "La La Land" is nominated for 12 OYLs and somehow did not get into Best Picture! It's almost like, they were trying to make sure, that "La La Land"'s name, couldn't be written in that last envelope at the end.

(Audience laughs)

Yeah, they're never gonna live that down. Speaking of that though, "Moonlight" set the record, 13 OYL Award nominations, including a record, 4 actors, nominated for Best Supporting Actor!

(Audience begins clappins)

Yes, cheer them on.

(Audience laughs more, audience shows the nominated actors)

"Moonlight" is a story of the life of a young African-American youth as he deals with his troubled, complicated life, as well as his hidden homosexuality. Little Richard called it, the best biopic ever made of him.

(Audience boos and then cheers)

What is that. Ahhhh, and then yeah, yeah, yeah, alright we'll cheer that!

(Conan ducks in front of camera as audience laught. He then rises making scary face in front of camera, getting laughs)

It's no surprise this year, if there was a theme among the nominees, there were a bunch of multiple nominations and nominees. Among the over 300 individual nominees, there are 42 people tonight nominated for at least two OYL Awards, including nine people who are nominated against themselves in a category, including Min-hee Kim, who's up for Best Actress for both "The Handmaiden" and "Right Now, Wrong Then"! Congratulations for that.

(Audience cheers on MIN-HEE KIM, as Conan spots her in the crowd)

Where are you, congratulations. Is is "Kim Min-hee" or "Min-hee Kim"? It's Kim-, what is it?

(Barely audible from crowd)
Kim Min-Hee!

Which is the-, if we call you "Kim" will you answer?


Min-Hee is your given name, so it's supposed to come second, but- what is it, your surname?

Family name!?

Family name. I see.

(Min-Hee nods).

Yeah, forgive us, we never know what to call any of you.

(Audience laughs, Min-hee shrugs)

It's okay.

Do you have that problem with us? Cause they bring the movies from Asia here and sometimes they Americanize the names and sometimes they don't and either way, we can't tell which is the proper way to put them together.

(Audience laughs)

Am I "O'Brien-san Conan" over there or something?

(Audience laughs)

You're Coco.

I'm "Coco" in Korea!

(Audience laughs louder. Conan laughs in astonishment.)

Oh man, I'm never gonna live Coco down, am I? Anyway, let's get to the Awards, alright. Alright, to present the inaugural OYL Award for Best Makeup & Hairstyling, he's a 5-time OYL Award nominee, including a nominee tonight for his Voiceover work for "I Am Not Your Negro", and he's the ultimate badass; ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Samuel L. Jackson!

(Samuel L. Jackson enters stage left, to applause from the Crowd as Awards Theme Music plays as he approaches the nearest podium, the one on the left side of the stage. Music fades out as he approaches. Conan)

It's a honor to present the One-Year-Later for Makeup. Some of you may have noticed, but I always strive to have, a little different a look, for each film I'm in, and that's all intentional, and that's all from the makeup. To me, in order to be a little someone different, I have to first, look like someone else, and from there, I get the characters. Trust me, actors couldn't do this as well as we do, without the amazing craft and skill of the makeup artists and hairstyers. There are nine nominees for Best Makeup and Hairstyling and they are...

(On the big screen that makes up the back wall of the stage, a video montage of the nominees with pre-recorded vocals from the presenters plays.)

Christine-Makeup: Amy L. Forsythe; Hairstyling: Elissa Ruminer and Amanda Miller
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them-Makeup & Hairstyling: Fae Hammond; Hairstyling: Khanh Trance, Alex Rouse and Sarah Westherburn
Florence Foster Jenkins-Makeup & Hairstyling: Daniel Phillips, Loulia Sheppard and J. Roy Helland
Hacksaw Ridge-Makeup & Hairstyling: Shane Thomas; Makeup: Larry Van Doynhoveen, Noriko Watanabe and Alice Baueris
La La Land-Makeup: Tosten White; Hairstyling: Barbara Lorenz, Frida Aradottir and Medusah
Nocturnal Animals-Makeup: Jason Collins, Donald Mowat and Elaine L. Offers; Hairstyling: Yolanda Toussieng
Silence-Makeup: Noriko Watanabe, Laura Calvo and Rachel Chen; Makeup & Hairstyling: Jennifer Lamphee
Star Trek Beyond-Makeup: Joel Harlow and Richard Alonzo; Hairstyling: Khanh Trance
Suicide Squad-Makeup: Alessandro Bertolazzi, Christopher Allen Nelson, Pierce Austin, Sandra Wheatle and John Wheaton; Hairstyling: Giorgio Gregorini

 And the OYL Award goes to...

(Samuel opens envelope)

The team from "SUICIDE SQUAD". 


(Twenty-One Pilots' "Heathens" plays as six nominees, [Pictured from left-to-right in nomination order] stand up and head towards the stage as the audience applauds. One by one, they collect their awards from Samuel, who's collecting them from the handlers to the side as they walk up. One they get it, they turn to the crowd center stage. A couple of them hold their OYL up over their head with one hand as they quickly mutter "Thanks" before being escorted by Samuel to exit stage right.)

One of last year's winners for Best Original Song for "Love You Like I Do" from "Fifty Shades of Grey", Tove Lo!

(TOVE LO enters stage left to applause and quickly heads towards the far left podium)

The nominee for Best Original Song range wildly from modern hip hop to classical piano ballads to jazz to Broadway and includes artists ranging from classic rockers to experimental singer/songwriters to artists who got their starts on Youtube, and come from movies as wide-ranging as superhero movies to classic musicals, to hard-hitting documentaries. There are ten nominees the maximum, in the category for Best Original Song, and they are....

"Letter to the Free"; 13th-Music & Lyrics: Common; Music: Robert Glasper and Karriem Riggins
"Flicker"; Audrie & Daisy-Music & Lyrics: Tori Amos
"The Empty Chair"; Jim: The James Foley Story-Music & Lyrics: J. Ralph and Sting
"Audition (The Fools Who Dream)"; La La Land-Music: Justin Hurwitz; Lyrics: Benj Pasek and Justin Paul
"Start a Fire"; La La Land-Music: Justin Hurwitz; Lyrics: Marius De Vries, Angelique Cinelu, Justin Paul; Music & Lyrics: John Legend
"How Far I'll Go"; Moana-Music & Lyrics: Lin-Manuel Miranda
"Something Wild"; Pete's Dragon-Music & Lyrics: Andrew McMahon and Lindsay Stirling
"Rules Don't Apply"; Rules Don't Apply-Music & Lyrics: Eddie Arkin and Lorraine Feather
"Drive It Like You Stole It"; Sing Street-Music & Lyrics: Gary Clark
"Heathens"-Suicide Squad-Music & Lyrics: Tyler Joseph

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope)

"Drive It Like You Stole It", from "Sing Street", Music & Lyrics by Gary Clark. 


(Sing Street's "Drive It Like You Stole It" begins to play as Gary Clark stands up to a rousing ovation from the crowd.)

This is Gary Clark's first win and nomination.

(He gets up to the stage and Tove hands him his OYL. He shakes her hand, thanks her, and turns to the audience for a moment as they continue to applaud. Tove then leads him to exit stage left.)

An OYL Award winner last year for Best Supporting Actor for "99 Homes", Michael Shannon!

(MICHAEL SHANNON enters stage right passing Gary and Tove as he enters the stage and approaches the far right podium.)

An ex-wife getting on with her life, a longtime wife having to put up with her husband's philandering and violent behavior, a drug addict mother who's barely able to care for herself, a young single mother who deals with a daughter who unexpectedly runs off, a rancher who seeks out a romance with a new friend, a wild teenage girl who's not seeking a romance with her best friend, a leader of a magazine sales group that's run like a prostitution ring, a servant who may or may not be falling in love with her heiress master, a latest new girlfriend tag-along on an island getaway, and a former vacation who struggles to leave the revolutionary resistance after falling in love. Ten of the most complex and fascinating characters we've seen on our movie screens this year, played by ten of the most talented and versatile actresses working today. Here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actress:

Viola Davis-"Fences"
Elle Fanning-"20th Century Women"
Lily Gladstone-"Certain Women"
Naomie Harris-"Moonlight"
Dakota Johnson-"A Bigger Splash"
Riley Keough-"American Honey"
Tae-Ri Kim-"The Handmaiden"
Adriana Ugarte-"Julieta"
Rachel Weisz-"The Lobster"
Michelle Williams-"Manchester By the Sea"

(Applause is heard after each name is announced)

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope. Slight pause.)

Hmm. Tae-Ri Kim, for "The Handmaiden". 

(Jo Yeong-wook's song, "The Duchess Juliette" plays as a surprised Tae-Ri Kim stands up and walks towards the stage, as the audience, also surprised applauds)

This is the first nomination and win for Tae-Ri Kim. She is the first person to win an OYL Award for her feature-length debut performance.

(Tae-Ri Kim reaches the stage. Michael hands her the OYL, she bows slightly and shakes Michael's hand before turning to the crowd, who give her an ovation. Michael then guides her as they both exit stage right. Conan's back on stage, holding a small envelope)

So, right here in my hand, is the next award, it's for the Best Costume Design, but before we give that out, of course, after the Oscar fiasco last year, when they got the envelopes, everybody's been wondering and waiting to see what the next show's gonna do to spoof the moment, when Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway got the wrong card. Well, this year, the OYL Awards have decided to take some actions to make sure that nothing like that will happen, and we're gonna detail this. So, just like the Oscars, there are two entrances to the stage, from the left and the right, so there are two envelopes for each award, that are handed out, usually before the presenters come out. I'll hand this one to Elle Fanning when she comes out, but normally that's how it works. Those envelopes are, like the Oscars handed out, by the accountants, and I know what you're thinking, "Wait, the OYLs have accountants?"

(Slight audience laugh)

Actually they do. We know when you scroll down to the bottom of these awards, and there's a tag about the "In-House Accountants" of the website, which doesn't sound like it make sense, 'cause why would someone's entertainment blog have in-house accountants, but "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews" actually has two accountants on staff. They're normally backstage at this show, handing out the envelopes, but we're gonna introduce them here, they're Michele and William. Accountants come on out for a second!

(Entering stage right, MICHELE and WILLIAM, the website's accountants come out onstage, to some surprise from the audience and some applause.)

Yes, applaud them, they have a tough low-paying job and this is their first perk in seven years.

(Audience laughs)

Anyway, you two are the ones responsible for counting the votes and providing the envelopes, correct?

(William and Michele nod yes)

Okay, now beforehand, there was always two envelopes for every category, but this year, there is only one, Best Picture envelope, correct?

(William and Michele nod yes, again.)

Yes. You two can talk if you want by the way.

(Audience and William and Michele laugh)

Thank you.

Well, you don't have to thank me for that-,

(Audience laughs)

(In deeper comic voice)
Yes, thank you Master Conan, for giving us the power to use our voices.

(Audience laughs some more, Conan switches back to normal voice)

Anyway, if you don't mind, can you two go and get the Best Picture envelope from the back, and bring it here, on stage.

(Out-of-microphone range)

Okay, good.

(William and Michele exit stage right)

You see, what we're going to do, is put the single, one, Best Picture envelope, on stage now, and it's going to stay onstage for the entire show, and I guarantee you, there is no way, this envelope is gonna to be confused for any other envelope, and we'll show you why.
(Looks offscreen)
Do they have the envelope? Okay, they're bringing it out now.

(William and Michele enter stage right, carrying a Publihser's Clearing House check-size envelope. Conan goes to help them direct the envelope centerstage, where just in front of the big-screen back wall, is a small stand on the ground where all three of them place the huge envelope. The audience laughs as all three carefully place the envelope on the stand)

Can you get it in, and make sure it's in-, wow this is heavy. I thought it was just big, but it's heavy too. Anyway, thank you you two, give William and Michele a hand for the envelope, hey!

(Audience applauds as William and Michele wave as they exit stage right.)

As you can see, this is a pretty hard envelope to confuse with the others.

(Audience laugh)

It's as big as we could get. It's plain white, with plain black text, which, as you can see, very clear says, "BEST PICTURE"

         BEST                  PICTURE       
As you can see, it's that exact kind of black, that looks blue on your computer screen, but trust me, it's black!

(Audience laughs) 

It's that,- that black color, I forget the official name, black? Ennui Black? On computer screens black lettering looks blue, as they say. I guess something like that, I think.

(Audience still laughing, Conan laughing at himself as well) 

How has this damn blog lasted this long? 

(Audience laughs, as does Conan) 

Anyway., this envelope, will remain here, the entire night. It'll block a little bit of the big screen, we're aware, but, we are doing all this, to make sure, that nothing like what happened at the Oscars will happen here, and yes, it will be opened at the end of the night. So, here we go. 

(Audience laughs) 

On to our next presenter, a three-time OYL Award nominee, including a double-nominee tonight for Supporting Actress, ah, I'm sorry,

(Audience chuckles)

and as a member of the cast for "20th Century Women", ladies and gentleman, Elle Fanning!

(Awards show theme plays as ELLE FANNING enters stage left. Conan runs over and hands her the envelope he's been holding. She thanks him and then walks over to the left podium as Conan quietly exits stage right.) 

I congratulated Tae-Ri, backstage. She's thrilled. Alright, let's get to it. Here are the ten nominees, the maximum for Best Costume Design. 

Allied-Joanna Johnston
The Dressmaker-Marion Boyce and Margot Wilson
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them-Colleen Atwood
Florence Foster Jenkins-Consolata Boyle
Hail, Caesar!-Mary Zophres
The Handmaiden-Sang-gyeong Jo
Jackie-Madeleine Fontaine
La La Land-Mary Zophres
The Love Witch-Anna Biller
The Nice Guys-Kym Barrett

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope) 

"LA LA LAND", Mary Zophres!

(Justin Hurwitz's "Another Day of Sun" plays as Mary Zophres gets up and starts walking to the stage to applause.)

This is Mary Zophres's first win. She received her first two OYL Award nominations tonight as she was also nominated for the Costume Designs for "Hail, Caesar!"

(Mary gets up stage, and Elle hands her her OYL Award. She turns to the audience as they applaud. After a few moment, Elles guides her off, exiting stage right.)

A past OYL Award winner as a cast member of "Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)" and a double nominee tonight for Best Actress and as a cast member for "La La Land", Emma Stone!

(EMMA STONE comes out, entering stage left, yelling over to the right side of the stage, motioning to Mary offstage, congratulating her for her win as she eventually gets half-way to the center of the stage before realizing that she's supposed to go to the left podium. She eventually remembers and hurriedly rushes over there.)

(Slightly embarrassed)
Sorry, I was saying hi to Mary. Okay, I'm announcing the OYL Award for Best Cinematography, there are ten nominees this year, and they are.

Arrival-Bradford Young
Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk-John Toll
The Handmaiden-Chung-hoon Chung
Knight of Cups-Emmanuel Lubezki
La La Land-Linus Sandgren
The Love Witch-M. David Mullen
Moonlight-James Laxton
Nocturnal Animals-Seamus McGarvey
Silence-Rodrigo Prieto
Tanna-Bentley Dean

And the One-Year-Later Award goes to...

(Opens Envelope)

WOOOO! Linus Sandren, for "LA LA LAND"! YES!

(Justin Hurwitz's "Another Day of Sun" plays as Linus Sandgren stands up and heads towards the stage as the audience applauds)

This is Linus Sandgren's first win and nomination.

(Emma hugs Linus as she presents him the OYL Award. Linus holds the award up proudly as he turns to the audience and thanks them. Emma then guides him off as they exit stage left.)

A nominee tonight for Best Character Voiceover/Narration Voiceover or Alternative Performance for "Sing", Seth MacFarlane.

(SETH MACFARLANE enters stage right as he approaches the far-right podium)

Good Evening, Everyone. I'm here to present the OYL Award for Best Animated Feature. It's nice being back here, the last time I was here presenting this award, I had just hosted a show like this, and nobody seemed to like it.

(Audience chuckles)

So, they had me present this award out of pity. This time around, they decided to nominate me for my Voiceover work, which they didn't honor back then, but they nominated me for a movie that wasn't nominated anywhere else, here, at the Oscars, or pretty much anywhere....

(Audience laughs)

So, once again, I am here presenting an OYL Award, out of pity. It has to be, they know I'm not winning; I'm up against Mark Rylance, and nobody beats him.

(Audience laughs)

Where is he; is he here this time? There he is.

(They scan to MARK RYLANCE in the crowd)

How you doing, you great actor, you. How's it feel to be nominated in the same category with a douche like me?"

(Audience and Mark laugh)

Yeah, here you are, classing this place up, and here I am, bringing it all the way back down to where it belongs. It's so weird. Anyway, there are five wonderful nominees this year for Best Animated Feature; the award goes to the film's Director and Producer and the nominees are:

Kubo and the Two Stings-Director/Producer: Travis Knight; Producer: Arianne Sutner
The Little Prince (aka Le Petit Prince)-Director: Mark Osborne; Producer: Dimitri Rassam, Aton Soumache and Alexis Vonarb
Moana-Directors: Ron Clements & John Musker; Co-Directors: Don Hall & Chris Williams; Producers: Osnat Shurer
My Life as a Zucchini-Director: Claude Barras; Producer: Marc Bonny, Armelle Glorennec, Pauline Gygax, Max Karli, Kate Merkt, and Mickel Merkt
The Red Turtle-Director: Michael Dudko de Wit; Producers: Pascal Cauchetexu, Vincent Maraval, Gregoire Sorlat,  Toshio Suzuki and Isao Takahata

So, be careful Conan, they can take it all away from you just like that.

(Audience laughs, pausing before opening the envelope)

And the OYL Award goes...

(Opens envelope)


("Story Time" by Dario Marianelli plays as Travis Knight and Arianne Sutner stand up and begin heading towards the stage.)

This is both Travis Knight and Arianne Sutner's second OYL Award nominations and their first wins. They were previously nominated in the same category for "ParaNorman".

 (Travis and Arianne get handed their OYLs from Seth and they then turn to the applauding audience. After a few moments, Seth guides them off the stage, exitiing stage left.)

An OYL Award winner for Best Actress for "Blue Valentine" and a five-time nominee overall, including a double-nominee tonight, for Supporting Actress and as a member of the cast for "Manchester By the Sea", Michelle Williams!

(MICHELLE WILLIAMS enters stage right and quickly approaches the right-side podium to a small ovation.)

To this day, the art of Casting is still given the slight by many major awards, some not feeling that it's an skill or craft that's deserving of recognition. However as roles and characters in film become more complex and exact, finding the right parts for the right roles can literally make or break a movie and imagining other people in some of the roles cast in these ten nominated films, makes you realize just how difficult the practice can be. Whether it's having to seek out unknowns or collecting together a group of stars, Casting is an art, ant the OYLs are proud to recognize it. Here are the nominees for Best Casting.

20th Century Women-Mark Bennett and Laura Rosenthal
American Honey-Lucy Pardee and Jennifer Venditti
Certain Women-Mark Bennett and Gayle Keller
Everybody Wants Some!!-Vicky Boone and Kim Davis-Wagner
Hell or High Water-Jo Edna Boldin and Richard Hicks
The Lobster-Jina Jay
Manchester By the Sea-Douglas Aibel
Moonlight-Yesi Ramirez
Silence-Ellen Lewis
Sing Street-Louise Kiely

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens envelope)

"Moonlight"! Casting by Yesi Ramirez!

(Nicholas Britell's "The Middle or the World" plays as YESI RAMIREZ stands up and gets up stage as the crowd applauds loudly.)

This is Yesi Ramirez's first nomination and win!

(Michelle hands Yesi her award and she turns to the stage as the audience applauds. After a few moments, Michelle guides her backstage, exiting stage right. )

To announce the inaugural OYL Award for Best Character Voiceover/Narration Voiceover or Alternative Performance, a two-time OYL Award nominee, previously as a member of the cast of "Cloud Atlas" and this year as a Supporting Actor nominee for "Florence Foster Jenkins", Hugh Grant!

(Awards theme music plays as HUGH GRANT enters stage left and heads to the left-side podium. He waves nonchalantly as he acknowledges the applause from the crowd.)

Thank you. When they announced the creation of the category, Best Character Voiceover, Best Narration Voiceover or Best Alternative Performance, they-eh, far and wide, to try to find the best possible person to present such an honor. Unfortunately they couldn't get Andy Serkis to come this year...-

(Audience laughs)

so, here I am. Presenting. Here are the eight nominees for the first ever Voiceover or Alternative Performance award.

Jason Bateman-"Zootopia"
Auli'i Cravalho-"Moana"
Samuel L. Jackson-"I Am Not Your Negro"
Seth MacFarlane-"Sing"
Josephine McAdam-"Tower"
Mark Rylance-"The BFG"
Kate Lyn Sheil-"Kate Plays Christine"
Joanne Tucker-"Zero Days"

And the first ever recipient of this honor, goes to...

(Opens envelope)

Ah, yes, Seth was right, from one Brit to another, MARK RYLANCE for "THE BFG"!

(John Williams's "Sophie and the BFG" plays as Mark Rylance makes his way reluctantly on stage, as the audience gives him a standing ovation.)

This is Mark Rylance's first win and third nomination. He was nominated last year for Supporting Actor for "Bridge of Spies", and with his nomination this year in Best Actor for "The BFG", he is the first person to be nominated twice for a singular performance award, for the same performance!

(Hugh graciously hands Mark the OYL shaking his hands as he hands it over. Mark turns to the audience, who's still standing and applauding. He tips his to them graciously while holding out the award, before him and Hugh calmly exit stage left.)

A double nominee tonight for Best Actress for both "The Handmaiden" and "Right Now, Wrong Then", Min-Hee Kim!

(Min-Hee Kim enters stage right and heads to the right-side podium, to mild applause that's partly for her and partly died down applause for Rylance.)

저는 Best Ensemble Performance 상을 수상했습니다. 이 상을받을 수있는 후보는 10 명이며, 영화의 전체적인 출연진에게 주어지는 영예입니다. 후보자는 다음과 같습니다.

(Translation from Korean)
I'm here to present the award for Best Ensemble Performance. There are ten nominees, the maximum for this award, and the honor is given to a film's entire credited cast. Here are the nominees: 

20th Century Women
A Bigger Splash
Certain Women
Hidden Figures
La La Land
Manchester by the Sea
Mountains May Depart
The Salesman

(In English)
And the award, it goes to,

(Opens Envelope)

The cast of "MOONLIGHT"!

(Nicholas Brittell's "The Middle of the World" plays as members of the cast of "Moonlight", led by their singular nominated actor stand up, congratulate each other happily and then head towards the stage.)

"Moonlight"'s win for Ensemble Performance marks the first time since the category was separated into two, that both the award for Best Casting and the award for Best Ensemble Performance both went to the same movie!

(The cast of "Moonlight" that's present each receive their awards and turn to the audience who's applauding loudly. Min-hee, once she's finally finished handed out the awards, guides them offstage, exiting stage left. Enter stage right, Conan's on stage, holding a clicker device.)

It's been a good awards show so far, hasn't it?

(Audience mildly reacts positively)

I'd say so. I mean, this could've been the People's Choice, so it can always be worst.

(Mild laughter)

But, you know what's not been great about the OYL Awards. It's been all the "For Your Consideration" ads for the OYLs.

(Audience laughs)

Just go with it, or else the bit doesn't work.

(Audience laughs)

But seriously though-,

(Slight pause, sigh)

yes, there's been plenty of marketing for the OYL Awards, and you know, it's a part of the business now, it's not going away, we might as well get used to it. That said though, some of the promotional material, they looked okay on the surface, but some of them seemed a bit peculiar if you looked really closely at them. So, now that the voting's completed, I thought I'd go back and show you some of the material and what I'm talking about on the big screen here.

(Conan clicks clicker, Big screen shows a promotional add for "Moonlight".)

See, here's the promo ad for "Moonlight", it's got all the names and positions, it's a beautiful layout with the cast and the movie poster. This was a nice piece that was a common pop-up on some websites. It's nice ad, but if you look closely at this one strange thing at the bottom, it kinds a little weird.

(Conan click clicker, Image zooms in reveal small printed word.)


(Audience laughs but also oohs heavily.)

I thought that a was little much, don't you think. A little too pressuring, right?
(Long pause)
Oh, strap-in they're getting worst from here.

(Audience laughs)

Yeah there was some weird things in the ads. Like, here,-

(Conan clicks clicker, Big screen shows image of "Fences" ad.)

This is a nice and wonderful advertisement for "Fences", wonderful movie, yeah?

(Audience slightly cheers)

Absolutely, Denzel's amazing, Viola of course. Great movie, and again, it looks like a nice ad, and then you look a little bit closer, and this little part is disturbing.

(Conan clicks clicker, image on big screen again zooms in on the fine print.)


(Audience laughs)

I don't think that was, good strategy in the long run. It just reminds everyone of "Moonlight".
(Long pause)
A little too aggressive and mean too. It's competitive.

(Conan clicks clicker, big screen shows advertisement for the movie "Sing")

Even the animated movies get into it a bit. He's a For Your Consideration advertisement for "Sing", and it's a decent advertisement, shows all the characters, it's a nice bright ad. But then you see this thing shoved right under the name.

(Conan clicks clicher, zooms in fine print)


(Audience laughing and some ahhing at that joke)

That's a little too direct I think. Too close to home, maybe.

(Conan clicks clicker, Big screen shows image of advertisement for "Zero Days".)

It's rough out there, even the documentaries were getting in on the act, somewhat. This is an advertisement for "Zero Days", the Alex Gibney documentary. Yeah, he's wonderful.

(Audience applauds)

It got a nomination in a category this year. Well-deserved, and this is a nice promotional material for it, but there is this weird part at the bottom here, let's get a shot at that.

(Conan clicks clicker to zoom in on advertisement)


(Audience laughs loudly.)

That- that seems a bit odd. It would explain a lot though. He does put out a lot of movies, doesn't he?

(Audiences laughing dies down slowly. Conan clicks clicker, Big screen now shows an advertisement for "The Handmaiden")

Here's a lovely advertisement for "The Handmaiden", the great South Korean movie-

(Audience cheers slightly)

Absolutely, wonderful film. They have a ton of nominations tonight, so these ads obviously worked. I'm a little surprised that this made the advertising cut. I guess was to promote the country as well.

(Conan clicks clicker, zooms in on advertisement.)


(Audience laughs, some random cheers from the audience. Conan acknowledges one of them.)

Yes, I totally agree, it is the sexier Korea, but it still seem like a weird thing to put in a For Your Consideration advertisement.

(Conan clicks clicker, big screen now shows advertisement for "The Mermaid")

And finally, here's an online advertisement for "Jackie", the wonderful Jackie Onassis biopic. Wonderful film, absolutely, and this is a good advertisement, but I think this part here, might have cost them some nominations.

(Conan clicks clicker, zooms in on advertisement)


(Audience laughs)

That's a bit much. See, the campaigns were-eh, really kinda out there this year.

(Awkward pause as audience laughter dies down)

To present the award for Best Production Design, past OYL Award winner as a member of the cast of "Lincoln" as well as a nominee for the cast of "Inside Llewyn Davis" and he's a double nominee this year as a member of the cast of "Silence" and for Lead Actor for "Paterson", and somehow everybody only knows him from "Star Wars", ladies and gentlemen, Adam Driver!

(ADAM DRIVER enters stage left and approaches the far left podium to loads of applause and Conan quietly exits stage right.)

As one who pretends to be other people all the time, I can imagine being in a completely different world, but that does make you more impressed with the people who's jobs it is to create create a world entirely. That is the job of production designers and set decorators nominated for the category of Best Production Design. There are ten nominees, the maximum, in the category this year, and they are:

Arrival-Production Design: Patrice Vermette; Set Decoratior: Paul Hotte
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them-Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
Hail, Caesar!-Production Design: Jess Gonchar; Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh
The Handmaiden-Production Design: Seong-hie Ryu
La La Land-Production Design: David Wasco; Set Decoration: Sandy Reynolds-Wasco
The Love Witch-Production Design and Set Decoration: Anna Biller
The Mermaid-Production Design: Bruce Yu
Nocturnal Animals-Production Design: Shane Valentino; Set Decoration: Meg Everist
Passengers-Production Design: Guy Hendrix Dyas; Set Decoration: Gene Serdana
Silence-Production Design: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Opens Envelope)

"The Love Witch", Anna Biller!

(ANNA BILLER's "Love is a Magical Thing" plays as a surprised Anna slowly stands up and walks to the stage.)

This is Anna Biller's first win and second nomination. She was nominated earlier in the night for Costume Design, also for "The Love Witch".

(The audience finally starts clapping after being caught off-guard by the win. Adam hands her the award and Anna then turn to the audience, somewhat flustered by the shock. Adam then guides her backstage, exiting stage right.)

A six-time nominee who's nominated twice tonight for Best Actor and as a Cast Member of "La La Land" Ryan Gosling!

(RYAN GOSLING enters stage left to loud applause as he heads towards the far left podium.)

Alexander Payne once said that after all the writing,  setting up lighting, building with sets, casting and working with all the actors and shooting all the scenes, to paraphrase, "It's such a relief to be in the edition room, 'cause it's where you finally get to make a movie." There are ten nominees, the maximum, this year for Best Editing, they are the ones who finally made the finished movie. The nominees are:

Arrival-Joe Walker
Cameraperson-Nels Bangerter; Co-Editor: Amanda Laws
Deadpool-Julian Clarke
Hooligan Sparrow-Nanfu Wang
Jason Bourne-Christopher Rouse
La La Land-Tom Cross
Moonlight-Joi McMillon & Nat Sanders
Silence-Thelma Schoonmaker
Sing Street-Andrew Marcus and Julian Ulrichs
Tower-Austin Reedy

And the OYL Award goes to-

(Ryan opens envelope. He pauses and looks somewhat taken aback by the envelope.)

Whoa. "Tower", Austin Reedy!

(After a slight delay, Lord Buffalo's "Face in the Grass" plays as AUSTIN REEDY, slowly stands up at near the back of the nominees section of the auditorium with a shocked expression on his face as he starts a long trek down the aisle and towards the stage.)

This is Austin Reedy's first win and nomination. This marks only the second time a documentary has won an OYL Award in a category other than Best Documentary, both times they won in Best Editing category.

(Austin finally makes it to the stage and Ryan hands the OYL, congratulating him and shaking his hand after he hands it to him. Austin turns to the audience. He shrugs and holds up his OYL as he motions to towards some of the other "Tower" representatives and nominees. Ryan then guides him off, exiting stage right)

To present the Best Documentary Award, two former OYL Awards nominees in the category, for Producing and Directing "Tim's Vermeer", respectively; Penn Jillette, and Teller!

(PENN & TELLER enter stage left and head towards the center stage. Teller brings with him a large briefcase that unfolds into a table.)

Hi, I'm Penn and this is my partner Teller. We're proud to announce the OYL Award for Best Documentary.

(Teller holds up a small envelope)

Now, we love documentaries, in film and television, we've made several of them, we love watching them, especially all of tonight's nominees, but admittedly, giving out an award for a Documentary, and giving out awards in general, well, it's a little-eh, and like some documentaries but like some documentaries, award shows, can be, quite boring. So, we decided that we were going to do a card trick for you.

(Teller takes out a deck of cards, unpacks them from the decks and begins to shuffle them)

Now a card trick, they're also a bit lacking in excitement and drama, so in order to compensate for that, we've kidnapped and tied up Conan, and placed him in a giant dunk tank filled with water, and placed on him a giant pair of goggles covering 2/3 of his face.

(Penn walks stage right and rolls out a dunk tank filled with water where Conan is tied up and locked inside and places it center stage.)

See, there he is, and don't worry, he's fully capable of breathing, 'cause of this airtube that's running out of the top, as you can plainly see, ain't that right Conan? Everything cool?

(Penn knocks on glass of water tank.)

(Voice muttled from water)
Fuck you guys!

He'll be fine in there.

(Audience laughs)

Now, I'm going to go down to the audience.

(Penn takes the cards from Teller, and steps down from the stage and into the audience.)

Eh, let's see, who would like to pick a card? Oh, hello, Auli'i, is that how it's pronounced?

(AULI'I CRAVALHO nods yes)

Auli'i Cravalho, everyone! The voice of "Moana'! Give her a round of applause.

(Audience starts to cheer as Penn fans out the cards.)

So, here, you pick a card.

(Auli'i picks a card)

Don't tell me what it is, just show the camera over there, I'll look away.

(Penn looks away as Auli'i shows the three of clubs)

Okay, now put it back into the deck, and Teller will find this card of yours, okay.

(Penn starts shuffling the deck)



(Penn climbs back onto the stage, still shuffling as he goes.)

Now, after I hand these to Teller, and he does some mysterious voodoo magic of his to find your cards, I will take out the air-hose in Conan's tank, and the video package of the nominees will play, and afterwards, we will find your card and announce the winner. So, everything okay Conan?

You two are assholes!

Way to be a good sport Conan.

(Penn grabs the top of Conan's head and turns him around so that he's facing the big screen)

Now, let's turn you around in case something happens, we don't want to scar anybody accidentally.

(Audience laughs, Penn unlocks the hose and the nominee package begins to play)

13th-Director: Ava DeVernay; Producers: Spencer Averick and Howard Barish
Author: The JT Leroy Story-Dir.: Jeff Feuerzeig; Producers: Jim Czarnecki, Danny Gabai, Brett Ratner and Molly Thompson
Cameraperson-Director/Producer: Kirsten Johnson; Producer: Marilyn Ness
City of Gold-Director/Producer: Laura Gabbert; Producer: Braxton Pope
Eat That Question: Frank Zappa in his Own Words-Director: Thursten Schutte; Producers: Estelle Fialon
Holy Hell-Director/Producer: Will Allen; Producers: Tracey Harnish and Alexandra Johnes
Hooligan Sparrow-Director/Producer: Nanfu Wang
Lo and Behold, Reveries of the Connected World-Director/Producer: Werner Herzog; Producer: Rupert Maconick
O.J.: Made in America-Director/Producer: Ezra Edelman; Producers: Deirdre Fenton, Libby Geist, Nina Krstic, Erin Leyden, Tamara Rosenberg, Connor Schell and Caroline Waterlow
Tower-Director: Keith Maitland, Producers: Megan Gilbride and Susan P. Thomson

(Teller finishes waving a magic wand over the decks of cards)

Okay, and with one last wave of the wand, and...

(Teller pulls a card. Penn shows it.)

Nine of hearts, was that your card, Auli'i?!

(Shakes head no)

That's not it? Okay, hold on, one last shuffle.

(Teller shuffles cards, pulls out another card.)

King of spades, that was your right?

(Auli'i shakes her head no, again. Audience laughs nervously. Penn, finds another card.)

Ten of hearts, was that it?

(Auli'i shakes her head no. Audience laughs again.)

Okay, um, well, find the card in a  second, let's just open the envelope. And the OYL Award goes to.

(Teller opens the envelope and hands Penn the card inside.)

"Three of Clubs", is that a movie? No, that's your card!

(Audience laughs, Auli'i smiles nod yes)

Yes, yes! We found the card. Okay, let's go revive Conan before he goes brain dead.

(Penn turns back on Conan's airhose.)

Conan, you alright?

(Penn knocks on the glass)

Hey, we found the playing card, but we lost the envelope card; we don't know who won, do you know. Conan?

(Penn grabs Conan's head from the top of the tank and turns him so that he's facing the audience. On his goggles, is a card that reads the winner.)

There it is! And the OYL goes to  "HOOLIGAN SPARROW"! Nanfu Wang. 

(Nathan Halpern and Chris Ruggiero score for "Hooligan Sparrow" plays as NANFU WANG makes her way to the stage amid loud applause.)

This is Nanfu Wang's first win, and one of three nominations she has tonight, including a nomination for Best Editing and a nomination for Best Director all for "Hooligan Sparrow"!

(Nanfu walks up the stage and Teller hands her the OYL Award and both Penn and Teller shake her hand. Nanfu then turns to the applauding audience for a few moments. Teller guides her to the exit, stage left while Penn rolls Conan and the water tank back off stage.)

A three-time OYL Award nominee, including a nominee tonight as a cast member of "20th Century Women" and last year's OYL Award Winner for Best Supporting Actress, Greta Gerwig!

(GRETA GERWIG enters stage left passing Teller and Nanfu as she heads to the left-side podium to a rousing ovation)

A son who constantly tries to impress and befriend his father, a husband who will go to extreme lengths to care for his wife, a Governor who will go to extreme lengths for his kingdom, a young kid who struggle with his identity while living under the worst of circumstances, a drug dealer who becomes the closest thing he has to a father figure, and his best friend who tenderly befriends him, a teenager who struggles with grief and living with an uncle who's even more-grief-stricken than he is,  a charming tour guide who can't be trusted despite his devotion to his faith, and a music promoter who is the last person any of his friend want stopping by on their island vacation. These nine characters, played by ten different actors make up one of the most diverse groups of great Supporting Actor performances ever made. Here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actor:

Jovan Adepo-"Fences"
Mahershala Ali-"Moonlight"
Ralph Fiennes-"A Bigger Splash"
Hugh Grant-"Florence Foster Jenkins"
Lucas Hedges-"Manchester By the Sea"
Alex R. Hibbert-"Moonlight"
Andre Holland-"Moonlight"
Jharrel Jerome-"Moonlight"
Yosuke Kubozuka-"Silence"
Issey Ogata-"Silence"

And the OYL goes to.

(Opens envelope, smiles)

MAHERSHALA ALI, "Moonlight".

(Nicholas Britell's "The Middle or the World" plays as MAHERSHALA ALI stands up and heads to the stage as the audience applauds loudly)

This is Mahershala Ali's third nomination tonight and his second win. He was nominated as a Cast Member for "Hidden Figures" and he earlier won as a Cast Member for "Moonlight"!

(By the time Greta hands Mahershala his OYL, he is given a standing ovation by the applauding audiences. He quickly motions to them waving his hand slightly in acknowledgement acknowledement and then Greta guides him off stage, exiting stage left.)

To announce Best Foreign Language film, a nominee tonight for Best Actress for "Margarita with a Straw", Kalki Koechlin!

(KALKI KOECHLIN enters stage right and walks towards the right-side podium as the audience applause.)

The Best Foreign Language Feature category spreads three continents, eight countries and three continents and tells stories in almost every genre and narrative as possible. From a story of a mother searching for her daughter, to the lives of three people who connect and reconnect in three different time periods, to personal drama of home invasions, some realistic and brutally shocking, some horrifically nightmarish, to stories of daughters struggling to move on and escape to start a new life, one trying to escape marriage, one trying to escape a petulant actor father, and a story of a day and night in Suwon told from two different perspective to, a guy falling in love with a-eh, a half-fish,

(Slight audience laughter, Kalki shrugs, gets more laughter from the audience)

to even a tale, about the messy and deadly struggle of cleaning up a country after it's been ravaged by war. The award is given to the film's director; here are the nominees for Best Foreign Language film:

The Handmaiden-Chan-wook Park (South Korea)
Ixcanul (aka Volcano)-Jayro Bustamante (Guatemala)
Julieta-Pedro Almodovar (Spain)
Land of Mine-Martin Vandvliet (Denmark)
The Mermaid-Stephen Chow (People's Republic of China)
Mountain May Depart-Zhangke Jia (People's Republic of China")
Right Now, Wrong Then-Sang-soo Hong (South Korea)
The Salesman-Asghar Farhadi (Iran)
Toni Erdmann-Maren Ade (Germany)
Under the Shadow-Babak Anvari (United Kingdom)

And the OYL Award goes to

(Opens envelope)

"MOUNTAINS MAY DEPART"! Director Zhangke Jia, from China. 

(The Pet Shop Boys "Go West" plays as ZHANGKE JIA stands up and heads to the stage, to a loud, appreciative applause)

This is Zhangke Jia's first OYL Award win, and including his nominations tonight for Original Screenplay, Director and Best Picture all for "Mountains May Depart", his eighth total nomination. He was previously nominated in Foreign Language Film, Director, Original Screenplay and as an Executive Producer for Best Casting Ensemble, all for "A Touch of Sin". This marks the first time a film from China has won the Best Foreign Language Film OYL Award.

(Kalki hands Zhangke the OYL and he turns to the audience in recognition. Kalki then leads him off-stage exiting stage left.)

Last year's OYL Award winner for Best Original Screenplay for "Trainwreck", Amy Schumer!

(AMY SCHUMER enters stage right and approaches the right-side podium to audience applause)

It's one thing to be inspired by other people's great work, it's another to take that work and becomes inspired enough by it to retell it into something that's completely your own. In this case, it could be from a novel or a short story, or several short stories, even poetry, even other films, and even taking their own work and twisting it into something new. The nine nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay, managed to pull this skill off enough to make us see why they so admired the original work in the first place. Here are the nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay:

Arrival-Eric Heisserer
A Bigger Splash-David Kajganich
Certain Women-Kelly Reichardt
Fences-August Wilson
The Handmaiden-Seo-kyeong Jeong and Chan-wook Park
Moonlight-Barry Jenkins; Story by Tarell Alvin McCraney
Nocturnal Animals-Tom Ford
Paterson-Jim Jarmusch
Silence-Jay Cocks & Martin Scorsese

I know, you were all expecting a dick joke weren't you?

(Audience slightly laughs)

Nah, I wouldn't do that here.

(Opens envelope)

And the OYL goes to Barry Jenkins and Tarell Alvin McCraney for "Moonlight"!

(Nicholas Britell's "The Middle or the World" plays as BARRY JENKINS and TARELL ALVIN MCCRANEY stand up and walk up to the stage as the audience applauds.)

This is both Barry Jenkins and Tarell Alvin McCraney's first wins and nominations. Jenkins is also nominated tonight for Best Director for "Moonlight". Tarell Alvin McCraney has become the first person to win the Adapted Screenplay award for adapting his own work.

(Amy hands Barry and Tarell their OYLs and they proud turn to the applauding audience, smiling happily. Barry gives Tarell a frienly pat on the back as Amy leads them offstage, exiting stage left.)

A nominee last year for Directing and one of last year's winners for Best Original Screenplay for "The Big Short", Adam McKay!

(ADAM McKAY enters stage right to applause as he heads to the right side podium)

The OYL Award for Best Original Screenplay tells stories that range from fantasy to musical to dark comedy to horror to tragedy to personal drama to teenage melodrama to-eh, dark romance-comedy even. That's what we're calling "The Lobster" that's the closest we came to a genre for that one.

(Audience chuckles)

These are ten, the maximum, totally original stories told in unique and distinctive ways. Here are the nominees for Best Original Screenplay:

The Edge of Seventeen-Kelly Fremon Craig
Kubo and the Two Strings-Screenplay by Marc Haimes and Chris Butler; Story by Shannon Tindle and Marc Haimes
La La Land-Damien Chazelle
The Lobster-Yorgos Lanthimos and Efthimos Filippou
Manchester By the Sea-Kenneth Lonergan
Mountains May Depart-Zhangke Jia
The Salesman-Asghar Farhadi
Sing Street-Story and Screenplay by John Carney; Story by Simon Carmody
Toni Erdmann-Maren Ade
Under the Shadow-Babok Anvari

And the OYL Award goes to,

(Opens envelope)

"Mountains May Depart", Zhangke Jia!

(The Pet Shop Boys "Go West" plays as the audience applauds. Zhangke Jia, surprised, quickly emerges, entering stage left, still holding his Foreign Language Feature OYL Award from earlier. Adam meets him halfway to present him with his second OYL. Zhangke turns to the audience, who give him a standing ovation as he holds up the two OYLs. Adam eventually leads him offstage, exiting stage right. Conan returns, entering stage right, annoyed, pissed off, his hair folded down from the water and wearing a robe and slippers and holding a mug full of coffee. Audience laughs.)

It's not funny! What the hell with this show, last year I was humped by Will Ferrell in a g-string and this year, Penn & Teller try to drown me!

(Audience laugh)

I guarantee you, this would never have happened if Sarah was hosting.

(Audience laughs harder)

(Imitating mock snobbery voice)
"Noooo, it wouldn't be right to treat Sarah Silverman that way, but we can do anything we want to Conan!
(Mock evil laughter)

(Audience laughs)

They said the clothes will be dry by the end of the night. Alright, to present the award for Best Actor, a two-time nominees both as a Cast Member and as last year's winner of the Best Actress OYL Award for "The Diary of a Teenage Girl", Bel Powley!

(Awards theme music plays as BEL POWLEY enters stage left and heads to the left-side podium as Conan slumbers off, exiting stage right while sipping his coffee.)

There's the musicians who strives to achieve big dreams, there's the poet who just likes to experience life as it happen, there a priest who wonders if his faith will bring more harm than good, there's a father who's trying to forget the sadness in his past, there's another father who will make sure everyone's tortured in the present, and another who finds his own unique way of trying to take care of his family, while another father who's trying to get stay in his daughter's life, there's a giant who suddenly has to take care of a little girl, there's a young man who's still struggling with finding himself, and a filmmaker who's seeking out inspiration one night in someone younger. Ten actors have given us ten amazing character who seem bigger than life, but struggle with the basic problems of living. Here are the nominees for Best Actor

Casey Affleck-"Manchester By the Sea"
Adam Driver-"Paterson"
Andrew Garfield-"Silence"
Ryan Gosling-"La La Land"
Jae-young Jeong-"Right Now, Wrong Then"
Viggo Mortensen-"Captain Fantastic"
Trevante Rhodes-"Moonlight"
Mark Rylance-"The BFG"
Peter Simonischek-"Toni Erdmann"
Denzel Washington-"Fences"

And the OYL Award goes to

(Opens envelope, smiles)


(Marcelo Varvas's "Fences" plays as DENZEL WASHINGTON, trying hard to be humble, stands up and walks up to the stage as the audience erupts in applause)

This is Denzel Washington's first win and one his first two nominations tonight. He is also nominated as a Producer for "Fences". After Clark Gregg's win for "Trust Me" Washington is the second person to direct himself to an OYL-Award winning performance.

(Bel hands Denzel the OYL and Denzel shakes her hand as he turns to the audience and holds up his award. The audience cheering has turned into a standing ovation. After a few moments he Bel leads him off stage exiting stage left.)

Last year's OYL Award winner for Best Actor for "The Voices", Ryan Reynolds!

(RYAN REYNOLDS passes Bel and Denzel as he enters stage left and walks toward the left-side podium to applause.)

One woman dreams to someday be an actress and succeeds, another dreams of being a singer, and she fails, one local student has a memorable night with a film director, another student travels across the world and hopes that she's found love, one mother hopes to protect her family as war surrounds them physically and literally, one uses all her skills in order to escape to freedom from being a wife, one daughter is just trying to get away from her father, one teacher believes that a past love might be reincarnated as one of her students, one woman is a First Lady of the United States and another woman, is trying to talk to aliens from outer space. These nine actresses have brought to life ten amazing, varied and spectacular women. Here are the nominees for Best Actress:

Amy Adams-"Arrival"
Sandra Huller-"Toni Erdmann"
Min-hee Kim-"The Handmaiden"
Min-hee Kim-"Right Now, Wrong Then"
Kalki Koechlin-"Margarita with a Straw"
Natalie Portman-"Jackie"
Narges Rashidi-"Under the Shadow"
Emma Stone-"La La Land"
Meryl Streep-"Florence Foster Jenkins"
Tao Zhao-"Mountains May Depart"

And the OYL Award goes to,

(Opens envelope)

Natalie Portman, for "Jackie"!

(Mica Levi's "The End" plays as NATALIE PORTMAN gets up and heads towards the stage, receiving a loud applause as she does.)

This is Natalie Portman's second nomination and first win. She previously nominated in this category for "Black Swan"!

(Ryan hands Natalie her award and she turns to the audience center stage to a rousing ovation. She smiles slyly for a few moments before Ryan guides her off-stage and they exit stage left.)

A 3-time, OYL Award nominee last year, including last year's Best Director OYL Award winner for "Mad Max: Fury Road", George Miller!

(GEORGE MILLER enters stage right to applause and heads towards the right side podium)

There are ten nominees this year, the maximum, in the category of Best Director, here are the nominees:

Maren Ade-"Toni Erdmann"
Damien Chazelle-"La La Land"
Jim Jarmusch-"Paterson"
Barry Jenkins-"Moonlight"
Zhangke Jia-"Mountains May Depart"
Pablo Larrain-"Jackie"
Chan-wook Park-"The Handmaiden"
Martin Scorsese-"Silence"
Denis Villeneuve-"Arrival"
Nanfu Wang-"Hooligan Sparrow"

And the Award goes to:

(Opens envelope slowly.)

Barry Jenkins, "Moonlight"!

(Nicholas Britell's "The Middle or the World" plays as Barry Jenkins gets up a second time from the audience having just returned from backstage and begins to climb up to the stage, accompanied by applause)

This is Barry Jenkins's second win and nomination tonight for "Moonlight".

(Barry and George hug each other quickly as George gives Barry his OYL. Barry turns see the audience cheering, and he tries somewhat successful to hold off on some giving another standing ovation. George then leads Barry off as they exit stage left. Conan comes out entering stage right and heads to center stage, he's returned to wearing a suit and seems to have dried off.)

Alright, I'm dried off, suit's clean, and one giant envelope left to open.

(Conan pulls out a couple pairs of boxcutters. Audience laughs.)

Ladies and gentlemen, Meryl Streep!

(MERYL STREEP enters stage left to a standing applause as she head to left side podium)

Thank you, thank you. There are ten nominees for Best Picture, and here they are:

Arrival-Producers: Dan Levine, Shawn Levy, David Linde and Aaron Ryder
Fences-Producers: Todd Black, Scott Rudin and Denzel Washington
The Handmaiden-Producers: Syd Lim and Chan-wook Park
Jackie-Producers: Darren Aronofsky, Scott Franklin, Ari Handel, Jean de Dios Larrain and Mickey Liddell
The Mermaid-Producers: Ivy "Y.Y." Kong and Stephen Chow
Moonlight-Producers: Dede Gardner, Jeremy Kleiner and Adele Romanski
Mountains May Depart-Producers: Shozo Ichiyama, Zhangke Jia, Nathanael Karmitz, Shiyu Liu and Zhong-Lun Ren
Paterson-Producers: Joshua Astrachan and Carter Logan
Silence-Producers: Vittorio Cecchi Gori, Barbara De Fina, Randall Emmett, David Lee, Gaston Pavlovich, Martin Scorsese, Emma Tillinger and Irwin Winkler
Toni Erdmann-Producers: Maren Ade, Jonas Dornbach, Janine Jackowski and Michel Merkt

(Meryl looks over at the "BEST PICTURE" envelope awkwardly. Audience chuckles)

And the OYL Award goes to...

(Conan comes out and hands Meryl a pair of boxcutters)

Thank you.

You want to do the honors?


(Meryl and Conan walks to the Best Picture envelope. Meryl adjusts her boxcutters and starts cutting from the far left corner, and cutting downward. Conan starts wildly cutting on the right side horizontally)

Should I keep cutting or-

Just tear at it, go wild.

(Conan starts ripping wildly, only cutting part of the envelope despite the effort. Audience laughs. Meryl then cuts with the boxcutters horizontallly

I think you gotta do vertically and horizontally, to get a clean.

Well, yeah if you're gonna cut giant envelope the proper way, sure.

(Meryl laughs as does the audience as Conan tears at his end wildly, finally reveal part of the card in the envelope, causing some applause. Meryl tears up her side fairly cleanly as Conan goes with two hands, pulling and throwing shreds of the envelope onto the stage, creating a mess.)

Careful not to let it fall over.

Oh, okay.

(Conan switches to ripping the envelope more cleanly and properly getting a mild laugh, Finally, one last big piece is taken off, fulling revealing what the audience was able to read for a minute or so.


The OYL Award goes to "MOONLIGHT"!

(Nicholas Britell's "The Middle or the World" plays as DEDE GARDNER, JEREMY KLEINER AND ADELE ROMANSKI stand up and walk up stage to a rousing ovation. )

This is Dede Gardner's third win and nomination, and Jeremy Kleiner's second win and nomination and both Dede and Jeremy have won in this category in consecutive years. Dede and Jeremy won as producers for "The Big Short" and Dede won her first OYL Award as a Producer for "The Tree of Life". This is Adele Romanski's first win and first nomination. With this, it's sixth win tonight, "Moonlight" has broken the record set by "Mad Max: Fury Road" for most OYL Awards by a movie.

(The three collect their awards from Meryl and turn to the cheering, standing crowd. After a few elongated moments, Barry Jenkins enters from stage right to join them right as Meryl is guiding them off-stage. They all hug as cheer as they exit stage right. Conan is placed center stage.)

Alright, we gotta clean this up, Everyone. That's our show, goodnight.

(Awards show theme song plays and the end credits begin to roll as the audience slowly starts to being filing out)

All votes are tabulations are done by the in-house accountants at "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews". The results of those tabulations are kept secret, (At least that's what supposed to happen, William! Michele!)
(Frustrated sigh)
 and they remain secret until the envelopes are opened on the night of the Awards.

Gift baskets are provided by:

[Commercials air for: ACT Mouthwash, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, Sirius XM Radio, MaddyGTV: Late Night, Hustler Hollywood, AMC Theaters, 7-11, Chef Flemming's Bake Shop, Goodfellas Bail Bonds, Cirque Du Soleil, Omnia Nightclub at Caesar's Palace Hotel-Casino, Frederick's of Hollywood, Forever 21, Avacados from Mexico, Suntory Times Whiskey, and the NFL on NBC.)

LAWYER'S NOTE: "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views & Reviews" denies all knowledge and existence of "The One-Year-Later Awards" and disputes any/all claims or any improprieties, illegal and otherwise involving them, including but not limited to the crimes of excessive bribery, racketeering, blackmail, sodomy, tortures involving the lethal use of a Michael Bay movie, stealing of famous landmarks while leaving geographically inquisitive clues to ACME detectives, stealing of legendary and important artifacts and using of a hidden temple to hide them in, working in the film industry over the age of thirty, living with your parents over the age of twenty-five, use a magic prop or contraption in an attempt to drown an awards show host, and/or being connected with the Church of Scientology.

The OYL Awards is a "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews" Production.
In association with Midnight Green Studios.

Distributed by UBU Productions.


Leroy Griffin, Jr. 
OYL AWARD NOMINE-Best Original Song-"Chi-Raq"-"Pray 4 My City"

August Wilson (1945-2005)
OYL AWARD NOMINEE-Best Adapted Screenplay-"Fences"

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