Monday, December 30, 2013

THE 3RD ANNUAL ONE-YEAR-LATER AWARDS! HONORING THE BEST IN CINEMA FROM THE YEAR BEFORE LAST! Presented by David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews".

(Backstage at OYL AWARDS, DAVID BARUFFI and CONAN O'BRIEN are in Green room, at the catering table. Conan's getting a cup of coffee, when David walks up, also looking to refill his cup.)

DAVID
Oh, hey Conan, thanks for hosting by the way. I normally did this in the past, but I think a real professional, name host is-eh really gonna help the OYL Awards grow.

CONAN
Hey, as long as I'm getting paid, it's my pleasure.

DAVID
(Laughs)
That's no problem.

(Conan's about to put the pot of coffee back on the coffee maker, but David interrupts.)

DAVID
Can I have the-eh,-

CONAN
Oh, here.

DAVID
Thanks.

(Conan hands David the coffee. David grabs a cup and begins pouring while Conan, holding his cup of coffee, looks over the table, which is mostly cookies, doughnuts and other assorted pastries. After David pours, he puts the coffee back. He then grabs the nearby milk. As he fixes his coffee, he begin to unconsciously start humming the old "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson" theme. After pouring the milk, he starts continuing the theme by do-doing the theme with his mouth as he grabs five or six sugar packets which he tears open two at a time, and pouring into his coffee, and his humming and do-doing gets louder. After he finishes, he turns to Conan as he stirs the coffee, who has a pissed off expression.)

DAVID
What?

CONAN
Really? This again.

DAVID
Wh-what?

CONAN
Humming "The Tonight Show" theme, that was four f***ing years ago, man. C'mon!

DAVID
I didn't mean-, I mean, it was stuck in my head.

(Conan slams down a pastry)

CONAN
I'm outta here, screw your damn show.

(Conan starts walking out, pissed!)

DAVID
I swear, the band was playing it earlier; it's been stuck in my head.

(David starts following Conan)

DAVID
I'm sorry, I really didn't realize it! You're still gonna host right? Right?!
(Pause)
We'll pay extra?! I can do the Conan theme!

(David starts mumming the "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" theme song as he runs offscreen. The humming of the theme song, eventually morphs into the opening theme of the OYL Awards!)

ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the 3RD Annuals, ONE-YEAR-LATER AWARDS!

(CROWD applauds. We pan over them, eventually moving behind the curtain, where David is pleading with Conan to stay and host the show. Conan is steadfast in not doing it, despite his desperate pleas. David then produces a comically oversize bag of money, the kind with a dollar big dollar sign on the side of it, like in an episode of "DuckTales" and hands it to Conan. After physically thinking considering it, he finally accepts it, right as ANNOUNCER, offstage introduces him.) Conan holds the bag of money under his arm.

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, this year's host of the OYL Awards, Conan O'Brien!

(Conan enters with applause, still holding the money bag.)

CONAN
Thank you, thank you very much!

(Soon, applause dies down.)

CONAN
(Looking stage left)
Andy, can you bring this to my trailer.

(ANDY RICHTER appears from offstage and runs out)

ANDY
Yeah of course.

CONAN
Thank you, here.

(There's applause for Andy as he enters stage left and takes the moneybag from Conan and then exits stage left. As applause dies down, Conan goes into his monologue.)

CONAN
(Pause)
Welcome Everyone, to the 3rd Annual ONE-YEAR-LATER AWARDS!

(Slight applause)

CONAN
(Continues)
Yes, the OYLs as there called, they're the single laziest award show, ever conceived.

(Laughs)

CONAN
(Continues)
Not only, do they wait a full friggin' year to give out there awards, they don't even bother naming them. The One-Year-Later Awards, how lazy is that.
(In mock evil nerd impression)
Yes, we're gonna give them out, a year later, yes. And that's what we're gonna call them! The One-Year-Later Awards.
(Nerd impression evil laugh)

(Big laughs)

CONAN
(Normal voice)
Yes, that's exactly, how it happened. Little nerd, with the thing.- They're so lazy, they never even designed the Award. They've done the Award show, for three years, they've never actually given out an Award, and they still haven't designed it, they're a new level of lazy, folks. They can't see the movies in time, and they can't be bothered to design the award.
(Back to nerd)
Ye-es,
(evil laugh)
we're gonna take our time,
(Fakes marijuana puff)
yes, and watch everything.
(Fakes another marijuana puff)
Taking our time
(Fakes another marijuana puff)
Make sure we saw "Bel Ami" before making up our minds.
(Fakes another marijuana puff)
We'll see "Newlyweds" even when no one else will, you never know.
(Fakes another marijuana puff)

(Crowd bursting in laughter, cut to close-up of KERRY BISHE in crowd, laughing at the "Newlyweds" joke.)

CONAN
They call it taking their time, it's just laziness folks. Another thing they're lazy at, is that none of the winners, even though they're here, and they'll be collecting their awards many of them, the awards that don't actually exist,- we should go down to the Hollywood dump and find some of those Kids Choice Award blimps that Nickelodeon gives out,-

(Laughing)

CONAN
I mean, they were honored, they showed up, give them a cheeseplate or something.
(Laughing at self)
That'd be weird if they gave cheeseplates as Oscars, I don't think anyone would take it seriously.
(Over-the-top sophistocated voice)
Daniel Day-Lewis, great as Lincoln, here's your cheeseplate!

(Audience laughs)

CONAN
(Pause)
No, but not only that, but the winners will not be giving speeches at these awards.

(Audience awes)

CONAN
I know. You just come up here, we hand you a cheeseplate
(Pause for laughs)
You stand there looking like an idiot for a bit, and then you walk off. It's sad, the reason we're not having speeches is because the entire rest of the country got together and bribed the producers.

(Audience laughs)

CONAN
Yes, the only time the country has agreed on anything since 2008. You shouldn't be that surprised by this, how did you think they were able to afford to have me here.

(Audience laughs)

CONAN
Actually, I'm not here, just for the money
(Long pause for audience laughter. He laughs and smiles, too. Weird voice)
No, not jus-st-t, for the money!
(Switches back to normal)
No, I was asked to host, because last year a documentary was made about me called "Conan O'Brien Can't Stop",-

(Interrupted by audience applauds)

CONAN
Yes, thank you. I had nothing to do with it. Just some other guys filming  me with a camera, really. Anyway, the film got an OYL Award nomination for Best Documentary last year, and I was proud and honored, to have my film, still remembered and talked about, so long after it's release. You see however, when you go back and look at the official results from last year, you'll notice that, there's an extra nominee from what was there originally, the film "Pina", the Wim Wenders documentary. You see, that film was nominated for an Oscar, which is a guarantee that the film is gonna be watch for the Awards, but the film wasn't released on DVD, until after the Awards last year, so when it was finally released, they didn't change the results, although we didn't win anyway, but, if you can get a shot of the website on the screen showing last year's awards, please?

(A zoomed in shot of last years Awards webpage is shown.)

they added a caveat that, had the film been viewed, it would've been nominated. Now, there were ten nominees, the maximum for the category, so one of the films that was nominated last year, would technically have not been nominated. Now, I can't completely confirm this, but, a little birdie told me, that yes, had "Pina" been viewed before the awards last year, it would've knocked out, my documentary, "Conan O'Brien Can't Stop". Yes folks, in a ten-movie competition last year, my movie, would've finished, eleventh.

(Audience, mix of laughs, awes, and gasps.)

CONAN
That's why I'm here tonight, because they felt so sorry for me, they decided, as a consolation prize, that I would host the OYL Awards, the next year. Yes, I almost wasn't nominated, last year, so they, at "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews", which by the way, is way too long a name for a movie blog, decided to make up for it, by having me, work. It is official folks, the OYL Awards, are indeed, the Laziest Award Show EVER!

(A bell starts ringing uncontrollably, and in bright happy colors blinking across the bottom of the screen reads in big bubble letters:

LAZIEST 
AWARDS 
EVER!!!!!

and balloons, streamers and confetti come down, all over Conan, as noisemakers, and loud celebratory party music is heard, as clearly, the OYLs are celebrating their new status as the Lazies Awards Ever! After a few moments, and a stage filled with balloons and confetti, Conan looks around, wondering what's gonna come of this mess. Andy Richter and 6 P.A.s come in pushing brooms and frantically pushing all the confetti off the stage, where more P.A. are collecting everything in trash bags or sweeping off what falls from the stage to the audience. Conan starts laughing as the scenario, as they hurriedly try to clean and clear the stage for the Awards.)

CONAN
What did you guys think was gonna happen, by the way? That you guys were just gonna drop a buttload of confetti and half-inflated balloons on the stage, and then somehow, magically, it'd all be cleared in like a minute?

(Audience laughing)

CONAN
That's like getting front row seats to Gallagher and being shocked that you're hit with flying watermelon.
(Imitates deranged Gallagher slug-a-matic bit)
Is there a Jeannie that can clean this.
(Imitates an exaggerated Jeannie's cross-arm blink a few times, pause)
Alright, are we almost done, Andy?

ANDY
We're almost there.

CONAN
(Laughing)
The guys, going down  the aisles with the trash bags of confetti. Man, this is not the Oscars.

(Applause. The crew finally finishes cleaning the stage)

CONAN
(Shaking his head is disgust)
The laziest Awards, and the biggest time waster of the Awards. Okay folks, we're finally gonna begin. To present the OYL Award for Best Supporting Actress, a 3-time OYL Award nominee last year, a nominee for Lead Actor for "Moneyball" and a 2-time OYL Award winner last year as a producer and Best Supporting Actor for "The Tree of Life", and even with the kids, his life makes all other men in America want to kill themselves, ladies and gentleman. Mr. Brad Pitt!

(Crowd applause and music plays as BRAD PITT enters stage right and approaches the microphone.)

BRAD
You guys missed some confetti around here
(Pointing behind him)
By the exit, nevermind.

(Audience chuckles)

BRAD
(Continued)
For the first time ever there are ten nominees in the Best Supporting Actress category, and the roles range wildly. From cult leader to an MI-5 operative. From an alcoholic sister-in-law to a oversexed sister. From a prostitute to a fast food employee, to a mother who'll do anything to get out of the trailer, to the daughter she uses as a sexual pawn. To a woman married to a serial killer, to a woman married to the President. Determining the best performance, from so wide a range, is by no means, an easy or even a wanted process. Here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actress:

(A video package pays, with voiceover of Brad, saying each name as they're showcased. Audience clapping after each name package is completed. [A similar package is played before each list of nominees are announced)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kerry Bishe-"Newlyweds"
Dame Judi Dench-"Skyfall"
Sally Field-"Lincoln"
Gina Gershon-"Killer Joe"
Anne Hathaway-"Les Miserables"
Nicole Kidman-"The Paperboy"
Brit Marling-"The Sound of My Voice"
Sarah Silverman-"Take This Waltz"
Juno Temple-"Killer Joe"
Dreama Walker-"Compliance"

BRAD
(Finishing clapping himself, envelope in hand)
And the OYL AWARD goes to...-
(Pause, opens envelope)

-...GINA GERSHON, for "Killer Joe"!

(Audience applauds as Tyler Bates's "Rabbit Scream" is played as GINA GERSHON gets up and walks onstage to accept her Award. There's no explanation as to how there's suddenly an award for her to pick up. She and Pitt walk off stage-right after a minute.)

ANNOUNCER
(As she walks onstage)
This is Gina Gershon's first OYL Award win and her first nomination!
(Long pause, after they walk off)
To announce the first ever OYL Award for Best Cinematography, a 2-time OYL Award Best Actress Nominee for "We Need to Talk About Kevin" and "I Am Love", Tilda Swinton!

(TILDA SWINTON enters stage left and approaches the microphone. Applause)

TILDA SWINTON
As any actress knows, if you really want to make sure you look good in the movie, sleep with the cinematographer. 
(Audience slightly laughs)
No, don't do that. But, without Directors of Photography, we couldn't do too much. Film is a world for the imagination, and without lighting, we couldn't create them out of thin air. These artists managed to create worlds, some as grand as outer space, to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, to dark cities of criminals, and let's not forget, give us new looks at the past, both as recent as the '60s in New England, to post-war California, to the Civil War era, and even they can even give us, a whole new look, at ourselves in this modern world. Here are the ten artists, the Directors of Photography nominate:

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
The Dark Knight Rises-Wally Pfister
Django Unchained-Robert Richardson
Kon-Tiki-Geir Hartley-Andreasson
Life of Pi-Claudio Miranda
Lincoln-Janusz Kaminski
The Master-Mahai Malaimaire, Jr.
Moonrise Kingdom-Robert D. Yeoman
Prometheus-Dariusz Wolski
Samsara-Ron Fricke
Skyfall-Roger Deakins

TILDA
And the OYL Award goes to...
(Pause, Opens envelope)

LIFE OF PI, CLAUDIO MIRANDA.


(Mychael Danna's "Pi's Lullaby" plays as CLAUDIO MIRANDA calmly gets up from his seat and approaches the stage quickly as the audience applauds. Tilda hands him the OYL.) He whisper graciously Thank you before turning to the audience, and then walking off stage right with Tilda. Conan appears from stage left.)

CONAN
Before I announce our next presenters, for no reason, I'm going to do the string dance.

(Audience laughter as Conan goes into his famous string dance, including the cutting of the string.)

CONAN
Thank you. We couldn't figure out any way to get that in the opening, so we put it there. To introduce the Award for Best Animated Feature, a nominee earlier tonight for Best Supporting Actress for her work in "Take This Waltz", and an evil, sick, twisted dog-murdering ass**** disgrace of a human being who makes Michael Vick look like a saint! Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Silverman and Seth MacFarland!

(Audience laughs as SETH MACFARLAND and SARAH SILVERMAN walk out stage right, as they approach the microphone. Seth is looking over at Conan, annoyed, unable to believe the introduction. Sarah is remaining her stoic self, as though she's got something sneaky she's about to say, or just said something offensive.)

SETH
(Long pause, looking back and forth towards Conan)
Really, worst than Michael Vick? First of all, I brought him back to life,-

SARAH
You did?

SETH
(Turns to Sarah, shocked)
Yes, in last weeks episode.

SARAH
Oh, I stopped watching after you killed Brian, that was f***ed up, man.

(Audience laughs)

SETH
It was an animated dog, he's not real to begin with. Michael Vick, actually killed dogs, I didn't.

SARAH
Is that why you're here? You killed a dog, and now you're presenting an award?

SETH
No, I-

SARAH
Are you dying? Is this a last hurrah!-

(Audience chuckles)

SETH
I'm not dying. This bit is, but- no I'm here, because I voiced and created the most successful animated character from 2012, Ted, the loveable foul-mouthed teddy bear, right, remember?

(Some of the audience claps.)

SETH
Yeah, you all liked Ted. And, I hosted the Oscars last year and this is one of the few places that praised my performance, so that's why I'm here presenting.

SARAH
So, you weren't nominated for anything.

(Audience laughs, pause)

SETH
Not, for an OYL, no. An Oscar nomination for Best Song, but they don't have that category. Can we go to the Award now.

SARAH
I don't know, this still seems fishy. You, hosting the Oscars?

(Audience laughs)

SETH
(Ignoring any implications from Sarah)
There are five nominees for Best Animated Feature and the Award goes to the film's directors and producers, and the nominees are...

(In the video package, Seth and Sarah alternate announcing the nominees)

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Brave-Dir.: Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman, Co-Dir.: Steve Purcell; Pro.: Katharine Serafian
From Up on Poppy Hill-Dir.: Goro Miyazaki; Pro.: Tetsuro Sayama, Toshio Suzuki and Chizuri Takahashi
ParaNorman-Dir.: Chris Butler and Sam Fell; Pro.: Travis Knight and Arianne Sutner
The Secret World of Arrietty-Dir.: Hiromasa Yonabayashi; Pro.: Toshio Suzuki
Wreck-It Ralph-Dir.: Rich Moore; Pro.: Clark Spencer

SETH
You see, it was an animated character, but it wasn't an animated film, that's why I wasn't nominated. It was one computer-generated character.

SARAH
Whatever dude, you suck. 

(Audience laughs)

SARAH
And the OYL Award goes to..
(Opens envelope, excited)

Alright we won! "WRECK-IT RALPH"! Yeah!



(Buckner & Garcia's "Wreck-It, Wreck-It Ralph", plays RICH MOORE and CLARK SPENCER get up and head towards the stage, as the audience cheers, particularly those closest to their seats. As they collect their awards, they each hug Sarah and shakes hands with Seth, before they all eventually exiting stage right.)

ANNOUNCER
(As they walking up.)
These are the first wins and nominations for Clark Spencer and Rich Moore. Moore is also nominated tonight for Best Original Screenplay, and Spencer is nominated for Best Picture as a producer, both also for "Wreck-It Ralph"!
(Long pause, until after they exit stage right.)
A nominee tonight for Best Actress for "Rust and Bone", and a winner last year as a member of the cast of "Midnight in Paris", Marion Cotillard!

(MARION COTILLARD enters stage left, as she approaches the microphone, and gets an applause.)

MARION
As the Announcer said, while I was a winner last year as a member of the cast of "Midnight in Paris", the OYL Award for Best Casting Ensemble was more specifically designed to honor the casting directors of a film, who's amazingly difficult job it is, to find the right actors for the right roles. Sometimes, it's matching the perfect couples to get the perfect chemistry, often it's getting big named stars and egos to work together, sometimes, it's the sheer amount of roles they have to cast and cast quickly, or sometimes, it's finding the right person for those trickiest of roles that will only work with the right person in the part. They have a lot of work to do, often in a short amount of time, and we honor them now, as much as the incredible casts that somehow the managed to put together. The ten nominees for Best Casting Ensemble are...

CASTING ENSEMBLE
Argo-Casting by Lora Kennedy
Cloud Atlas-Casting by Lora Kennedy and Lucinda Syson
Django Unchained-Casting by Victoria Thomas
Killer Joe-Casting by Denise Chamian
Les Miserables-Casting by Nina Gold
Lincoln-Casting by Avy Kaufman
Moonrise Kingdom-Casting by Douglas Aibel
The Perks of Being a Wallflower-Casting by Venus Kanani and Mary Vernieu
Silver Linings Playbook-Casting by Lindsay Graham and Mary Vernieu
Stand Up Guys-Casting by Deborah Aquila and Tricia Wood

MARION
And, the OYL Award goes to...
(Pause, opens envelope)

"LINCOLN". Avy Kaufman, casting. 
 


("The People's House" by John Williams plays as AVY KAUFMAN gets up and walks onstage. Some of the actors from Lincoln, who are present are standing and cheering in support, although TOMMY LEE JONES isn't standing, he's smiling and clapping as Avy accepts her award, and then  they exits stage right. )

ANNOUNCER
(As she's walking up.)
This is Avy Kaufman's first award and first nomination!
(After she leaves)
To introduce the Award for Best Editing, a Best Actor nominee tonight for "Barrymore" and a past Best Supporting Actor nominee for "Beginners", Christopher Plummer!

(CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER walks out on from stage right, passing Avy and Marion, to applause, music, and a standing ovation.)

CHRISTOPHER
(Pause, waiting for applause to die down)
Yes, thank you, thank you.

(Audience soon sits and quiet down.)

CHRISTOPHER
Yes, I'm old, and now to talk about editing.

(Audience slightly laughs)

CHRISTOPHER
(Continues)
There's many different ways to get random miles of film footage, or nowadays, half a USB drive, to cut them together and make a true piece of art. It is the art of movies after all, the cutting and rearranging of film. Here are the ten nominees for the OYL Award for Best Editing...

BEST EDITING
Argo-William Goldenberg
Cloud Atlas-Alexander Berner and Claus Wehlisch
Django Unchained-Fred Raskin
How to Survive a Plague-T. Woody Richman and Tyler H. Walk
Life of Pi-Tim Squyres
Moonrise Kingdom-Andrew Weisblum
Premium Rush-Derek Ambrosi and Jill Savitt
Samsara-Ron Fricke and Mark Magidson
Skyfall-Stuart Baird
Zero Dark Thirty-William Goldenberg and Dylan Tichenor

CHRISTOPHER
And the OYL Award goes to...
(Opens envelope. Somewhat long pause)

Oh, we have a TIE. 

(Audience groans)

The first winners are, for "CLOUD ATLAS", Alexander Berner and Claus Wehlisch
 


(The "Cloud Atlas Sextext for Orchestra" by Tom Tykwer, Johnny Klimek and Reinhold Heil plays as ALEXANDER BERNER and CLAUS WEHLISCH come up on stage to receive their awards. They pause for a moment before heading stage left, but staying behind before exiting as Christopher Plummer approaches the microphine)

CHRISTOPHER

And the other winner is "SAMSARA", Ron Fricke and Mark Magidson




(RON FRICKE and MARK MAGIDSON are partially shocked as they get up to lots of applause and "Geisha" by Lisa Gerrard and Marcello Di Franchisi plays. They get onto the stage and get their Award before joining their co-winners stage left before all four exit with Christopher behind them. Conan's back on stage a little befuddled.)

ANNOUNCER
(As Fricke and Magidson walk up onstage.)
This is only the second tie, in the history of the OYL Awards! It's the first nominations for all four nominees, and "Samsara"'s win marks the first time a documentary has won an OYL Award for a category outside of Best Documentary"!

CONAN
How the hell is there a tie at an Awards show with a voting committee of one!

(Audience laughs loudly at Conan's frustration, which turns into laughter)

CONAN
A tie? Well, we know this now, at least one of those four winners, has bribed somebody. It might've been an accountant, but he bribed at least one of them. Maybe all of them. Alright folks, to present the Award for Best Supporting Actor, last year's OYL Award winner for Best Supporting Actress for "The Skin I Live In", Elena Anaya!

(ELENA ANAYA enters stage right to applause and music. She approaches the microphone.)

ELENA
Thank you.
(Speaking in Spanish)
A veces los mejores papeles son, en efecto, los papeles secundarios, y por segundo año consecutivo, los diez nominados al Premio OYL al Mejor Actor de Reparto, han demostrado que, con lo que el carácter vivo que van desde un senador radical que lucha por los Derechos Civiles, a un operador político que esquemas para conseguir votos. Para el propietario de una plantación de extravagante, a su confidente esclavo más confiable, al dentista convertido en asesino a sueldo, a hacer un trato con ellos. Desde un adolescente gay que oculta un romance secreto con un adolescente genio de la música con problemas de drogas, a un líder de culto, a un líder de los scouts, incluso a un viajero del tiempo. Estas piezas han tomado en un viaje salvaje, a lugares y mundos que normalmente no ir y no sería lo mismo sin ellos.

(What she says is translated on the screen below as she talks.)

Sometimes the best roles are indeed, supporting roles, and for the second-straight year, the ten OYL Award nominees for Best Supporting Actor, have proven that, bringing alive character ranging from a Radical Senator fighting for Civil Rights, to a political operative who schemes to get votes. To a flamboyant plantation owner, to his most trusted slave confidant, to the dentist-turned-hitman, out to make a deal with them. From a gay teenager hiding a secret affair to a teenager musical genius with drug problems, to a cult leader, to a scout leader, to even a time-traveler. These parts have taken on a wild ride, to places and worlds we wouldn't normally go and wouldn't be the same without them. )

(In English)
Here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actor...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Leonardo DiCaprio-"Django Unchained"
Mark Duplass-"Safety Not Guaranteed"
Philip Seymour Hoffman-"The Master"
Samuel L. Jackson-"Django Unchained"
Tommy Lee Jones-"Lincoln"
Ezra Miller-"The Perks of Being a Wallflower"
Edward Norton-"Moonrise Kingdom"
Matt O'Leary-"Fat Kid Rules the World"
James Spader-"Lincoln"
Christoph Waltz-"Django Unchained"

ELENA
And the OYL Award goes to 
(Opens envelope slowly)

CHRISTOPH WALTZ. "Django Unchained"!


("Who Did That to You" by Brother Dege plays as CHRISTOPH WALTZ, humbly smiles while he gets up and walks to the stage. He gets his award, as the audience applauds for a moment and then exits stage left, right.)

ANNOUNCER
(As he walks up)
This is the first OYL Award and nomination for Christoph Waltz. His win marks the 2nd time in the 3-year history of the OYLs where the Supporting Actor OYL Award winner coincided with that year's Oscar winner in the category!
(As he leaves)
A nominee last year for Best Documentary, for "Into the Abyss", Werner Herzog!

(WERNER HERZOG enters from stage right, to a rousing standing ovation. He tries to quiet down the audience with hand gestures but he's unsuccessful at first.)

WERNER
Thank you, thank you.

(Finally, the audience calms)

WERNER
Some of you might be wondering why I'm here. Well, I wasn't supposed to be, they had wanted the winner of the Documentary category to announce the winner like last year, but-eh, Mr. Kevin MacDonald, he's been nominated again this year for the Award.
(Werner motions to KEVIN MACDONALD in audience. Audience begins clapping briefly.)
Yes, clap, yes, wonderful filmmaker.
(Audience claps a little louder in the direction of Kevin.)
However, after that became an impossibility, they wanted somebody recognizable, and somebody with a distinctive German accent.
(Pause for audience laughs)
And I have both of those things, and I'm known to make documentaries, and there were some spectacular ones this past year and all ten of these great films, are proof of that.They want me to say also that the award is given to the Directors and Producers of the films, and they should, and so without further ado, let's go through the nominees for Best Documentary...

BEST DOCUMENTARY
Bully-Dir./Pro.: Lee Hirsch; Pro.: Cynthia Lowen
How to Survive a Plague-Dir./Pro.: David France; Pro.: Howard Gertler
The Imposter-Dir.: Bart Layton; Pro.: Dimitri Doganis
The Invisible War-Dir.: Kirby Dick; Pro.: Tanner King Barklow and Amy Ziering
Marley-Dir.: Kevin MacDonald; Pro.: Charles Steel
Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence in the House of God-Dir./Pro.: Alex Gibney, Pro.: Kristen Vaurio and Jedd Wider & Tom Wider
The Queen of Versailles-Dir./Pro.: Lauren Greenfield; Pro.: Danielle Renfrew
Samsara-Dir.: Ron Fricke; Pro.: Mark Magidson
Searching for Sugar Man-Dir./Pro.: Malik Bendjelloul; Pro.: Simon Chinn
Wish Me Away-Bobbie Birleffi and Beverly Kopf

WERNER
(As he opens envelope)
And, the OYL Award, it goes to...


"SAMSARA". Director Ron Fricke, Producer Mark Magidson.


(From just offstage, Ron Fricke and Mark Magidson, still holding their OYL Awards from earlier in the evening, enter from stage left, and collect their second awards, holding the second ones in the alternate hands, as "Geisha" by Lisa Gerrard and Marcello Di Franchisi plays. They stand there partly befuddled and amazed as the crowd give them a huge applause. They exit back stage right.)

ANNOUNCER
(As the come from backstage)
These are the second OYL Awards tonight for Ron Fricke and Mark Magidson for "Samsara", winning earlier for Best Editing. Fricke was nominated for Best Cinematography earlier, and is a nominee for Best Director.
(As they exit)
The only person to be nominated for five OYL Awards, all in the same year, and last year's winner for Best Foreign Language Film for "A Separation", Asghar Farhadi!

(ASGHAR FARHADI enters stage left to applause and music as he approaches the microphone.)

ASGHAR
(In Persian)
این گرایش به فیلم های به زبان خارجی همه با هم فکر می کنم در یک گروه، حداقل من این گوش در امریکا وجود دارد وجود دارد. اما، هیچ دو فیلم یکسان هستند، و این ده نامزدهای بهترین فیلم زبان خارجی، هیچ تفاوتی ندارد. یکی از رمز و راز موسیقی آنارشیستی است، یک فیلم انیمیشن در مورد جن، یکی در مورد زندگی یک زن و شوهر است، چرا که آنها مبتلا به زوال عقل مبارزه، یکی دیگر از زیر مبارزات در یک زن و شوهر، پس از قطع عضو، یک سفر مغزی از طریق سینما به خودی خود است، در حالی که یکی دیگر از واقعی سفر در سراسر اقیانوس آرام، در یک قایق. یکی دیگر از روز در زندگی یک معتاد به هروئین، دیگری در مورد رابطه بین یک مرد جوان، و دوشیزه یا زن جوان که او را از خانواده اش به نزدیک تر است، یکی دیگر است در مورد یک بچه مشکل و زن جوان در تلاش برای مراقبت از او، و یک بیشتر، فروش یک انقلاب به مردم است.

(Again, translation is below:

There's a tendency to think of foreign language films all together in one group, at least I hear this in America there is. But, no two films are the same, and these ten nominees for Best Foreign Language Film, are no different. One's an anarchistic musical mystery, one's an animated film about fairies, one's about the life of a couple, as they struggle with dementia, another follows the struggles on a couple after amputation, one's a cerebral journey through cinema itself, while another's an actual journey across the Pacific Ocean, on a raft. Another is a day in a life of a heroin junkie, another's about the relationship between a young man, and the maid who he's closer to than his family, another is about a troubled kid and the young woman trying to care of him, and one more, the selling of a revolution to the public.)

ASGHAR
(Continues in English)
The award goes to the film's directors. Here are the nominees, for Best Foreign Language Film

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Amour (Austria)-Michael Haneke
Holy Motors (France)-Leos Carax
The Kid with a Bike (Belgium)-Jean-Pierre Dardenne & Luc Dardenne
Kon-Tiki (Norway)-Joachim Ronning & Espen Sandberg
No (Chile)-Pablo Larrain
Oslo, August 31 (Norway)-Joachim Trier
Rust and Bone (France)-Jacques Audiard
The Secret World of Arrietty (Japan)-Hiromasa Yonabayashi
Sound of Noise (Sweden)-Ola Simonsson & Johannes Stjame Nilsson
A Simple Life (Hong Kong)-Ann Hui

ASGHAR
And the OYL Award goes to...
(Pause, Opens Envelope)

"RUST, AND BONE," France.


(JACQUES AUDIARD rises from his seat  and walks onstage to loud applause as Bon Iver's "The Wolves (Part I and II)" plays. He accepts his award and pause for a moment, seemingly joyful, but not overly so before he and Asghar exit stage right)

ANNOUNCER
As he walks to the stage. This is the fourth nomination for the country of France, including two tonight, more than any other country in the Foreign Language category, and the first win for the country and for Director Jacques Audiard. He's nominated three more time tonight for Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Director and as a producer, all for "Rust and Bone"!

CONAN
Well,  that concludes the "No American Allowed" hour of the Awards.

(Mild laughter)

CONAN
And now, to bring us back to America, here's a former stripper. A Two-time OYL Award nominee, as a Producer and last year's winner of the OYL for Best Original Screenplay for "Young Adult", Diablo Cody!

(Diablo Cody enters from stage left to music and applause as she approaches the microphone.)

DIABLO
Some people don't realize how hard it is to adapt something, from one art form, to another. Some stories, if it even is a story they're adapting, they were often created in the art form they originate from, for a reason, and things that may work well in that art form, might not naturally work in film. It's hard to get inspired too, from someone else's work. That's what makes this year's crop of nominees, all ten of them, the maximum, so special. Here are the nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay...

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Argo-Chris Terrio
Beasts of the Southern Wild-Lucy Alibar and Benh Zeitlin
Cloud Atlas-Tom Tykwer and Andy Wachowski & Lana Wachowski
Killer Joe-Tracy Letts
Les Miserables-William Nicholson & Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schonberg & Herbert Kretzmer
Life of Pi-David MaGee
Lincoln-Tony Kushner
The Perks of Being a Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
Rust and Bone-Jacques Audiard and Thomas Bidegain
The Sessions-Ben Lewin

DIABLO
(Continued)
And the OYL Award goes to...
(Opens envelope)

JACQUES AUDIARD and THOMAS BIDEGAIN for "Rust and Bone"!


(Backstage Jacques hasn't even gotten his last OYL Award engraved completely as he turns back somewhat stunned that he's won this Award. He walks back onstage, stage right, and meets THOMAS BIDEGAIN on stage, who's come up from the audience to collect his Award as Bon Iver's "The Wolves (Part I and II)" plays again. They get their awards, the audience applauds for a bit before they all exit stage right again.)

ANNOUNCER
(As they head towards the stage.)
This is the first OYL Award and nomination for Thomas Bidegain, and the 2nd OYL Award tonight for Jacques Audiard. This win marks the first time a Foreign Language Film has won in the category, and only the 2nd time one has won, in any category, outside of Best Foreign Language Film!
(As they exit the stage)
To announce the Best Original Screenplay Oscar, one of last year's OYL Award winners for Best Adapted Screenplay, Jim Rash!

(JIM RASH enters stage left, to some applause, music and fanfare as he approaches the microphone.)

JIM
Hi Everyone. In case you're wondering, why I'm the only one here, eh, Alexander Payne, claimed that he's out promoting his newest film "Nebraska", although I know for a fact that he doesn't like promoting and tries to avoid it as much as possible,
(Pause for brief laughter)
so, I'm pretty sure he said to just send Jim. And Nat, Nat Faxon, claimed he was busy making more episodes of "Ben and Kate",
(Longer pause, more laughs)
which I'm pretty sure was cancelled, although they've been saying that about my show for five years, so who knows?
(Laughter, and some scattered applause)
I also host "The Writer's Room" now on Sundance, and they thought me alone, would be appropriate enough, to hand out the Best Original Screenplay OYL Award, so here are the nominees...

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Amour-Michael Haneke
Django Unchained-Quentin Tarantino
End of Watch-David Ayer
The Kid with a Bike-Jean-Pierre Dardenne & Luc Dardenne
Moonrise Kingdom-Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola
ParaNorman-Chris Butler
Safety Not Guaranteed-Derek Connolly
Wreck-It Ralph-Screenplay by Phil Johnston and Jennifer Lee; Story by Rich Moore, Phil Johnston and Jim Reardon
Zero Dark Thirty-Mark Boal

JIM
(Continued)
And the OYL Award goes to...
(Opens envelope)

WES ANDERSON and ROMAN COPPOLA, "Moonrise Kingdom"!


(WES ANDERSON and ROMAN COPPOLA rise from their seats and walk towards/onto the stage as the audience applauds and Alexandre Desplat's "The Heroic Weather Conditions of the Universe (Part 1: A Veiled Mist)" plays. Onstage, they pause after accepting their awards, and then exit stage left.)

ANNOUNCER
(As they walk to the stage)
This is the first nominations and wins for Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola. Anderson is also nominated tonight for Best Director and as a Producer of "Moonrise Kingdom"!

(Conan's back on stage.)

CONAN
The presenters for the Best Actor and Actress OYLs are George Clooney and Charlize Theron, and after much consideration, and thousands of hours of scientific research analysis, it's been determined that no matter what I say about them, they'll still be George Clooney and Charlize Theron, and I'll still be me.

(Laughter)

CONAN
Yeah, there really isn't much I can say about them. It's be like spitting on the Mona Lisa and then bumping your head on the glass casing covering it. So, without ado, here's last year's OYL Award winner for Best Actress for "Young Adult", Charlize Theron.

(CHARLIZE enters from stage left to music and great applause as she approaches the microphone.)

CHARLIZE
For the second straight year, there's the maximum, of ten nominees in the category of Best Actor, and that shows just how difficult it is to distinguish between the best performances and the skill involved in creating them. Which is harder to play, a former slave-turned-hitman, or a former convict who's still on the run? A fun-loving undertaker-turned murderer, or a bullhead fighter-turned-caring father and lover? A man fighting his bipolar tendencies or a young boy, stuck on a raft with a tiger? A legendary drunk actor, or an actor who's lives multiple roles in the history of cinema in his own life. Or playing our greatest president, or a man who cares for his beloved maid? And how well did these great actors, create and perform these characters. These are not easy decisions for the voters, and in some wishes, we wish we didn't have to make them. The nominees for Best Actor are...

BEST ACTOR
Jack Black-"Bernie" 
Bradley Cooper-"Silver Linings Playbook"
Daniel Day-Lewis-"Lincoln"
Jamie Foxx-"Django Unchained"
Hugh Jackman-"Les Miserables"
Andy Lau-"A Simple Life"
Denis Lavant-"Holy Motors"
Christopher Plummer-"Barrymore"
Matthias Schoenearts-"Rust and Bone"
Suraj Sharma-"Life of Pi"

(There's applause from the audience after the montage. Charlize is also clapping while holding the envelope.)

CHARLIZE
And the OYL Award goes to...
(Opens envelope)

HUGH JACKMAN for "Les Miserables"!


(HUGH JACKMAN is stunned at first as he slowly stands up. The crowd somewhat startled itself but immediately moves into a rousing ovation as he finally stands up and walks towards the stage as Anne Hathaway's version of "I Dreamed a Dream" starts playing. He accepts the award and gets a standing ovation, still surprised by his win. After a moment he finally walks off stage left, passing GEORGE CLOONEY as he enters.)

ANNOUNCER
(As he walks towards the stage)
This is the first win and first nomination for Hugh Jackman!
(As he exits)
To present the OYL Award for Best Actress, last year's winner for Best Actor for "The Descendants", George Clooney!

(George Clooney walks out to big applause and music, which he visibly jokes off as though it's too much. Then he encourages more of it, comically, which the audience complies, but then, he asks that it's calmed down, which they eventually do as he approaches the microphone.)

GEORGE
Alright folks. Best Actress. Nine amazing performances this year, by nine stunning women. As much as Charlize said about the great Best Actor nominees, we have to echo that, maybe moreso with Best Actress this year.
(Pause for audience cheers)
Yes, yes, applaud that. I'd have a toast to them, but Quvanzhane can't drink yet.
(Audience laughs)
So who should win. The performance of a tough six-year-old surviving in Louisiana swamps, or a determine mother, surviving a typhoon in the South Pacific. A determined CIA operative, searching for the world's most infamous terrorist, or a damaged whale trainer struggling with the loss of her legs. A young widow falling in love with a bipolar gentlemen, or a a young journalist, fascinated with an obsessed time traveler or a young woman, dealing with a dangerously troubled adoptee. A woman, having dealing his her old ex-husband for one memorable meal, or a fast food manager, dealing with one insistent police officer over the telephone. Here are the nine amazing nominees for Best Actress

BEST ACTRESS
Jessica Chastain-"Zero Dark Thirty"
Marion Cotillard-"Rust and Bone"
Cecile de France-"The Kid with a Bike"
Ann Dowd-"Compliance"
Jennifer Lawrence-"Silver Linings Playbook"
Aubrey Plaza-"Safety Not Guaranteed"
Lea Thompson-"The Trouble with the Truth"
Quvanzhane Wallis-"Beasts of the Southern Wild"
Naomi Watts-"The Impossible"

(Crowd cheers along with George who also claps briefly before turning to the microphone and his envelope)

GEORGE
And the One-Year-Later Award for Best Actress, goes to...
(Opens envelope. Waits before talking, with a sly smile)

MARION COTILLARD for "Rust and Bone"!


(Surprised, Marion needs a moment, before finally realizing she needs to get up from her seat and walk up the stage. Audience is slightly shocked, but soon applauds loudly, and some even stand as Bon Iver's "The Wolves (Part I and II)" plays again. She makes her way onstage, whispers something to George who laughs as she gets her Award. She then exits stage right. George strangely stays behind.)

ANNOUNCER
(As she walks up)
This is Marion Cotillard's second OYL Award. Her first was last year as a member of the Casting Ensemble for "Midnight in Paris".

GEORGE
(Pause for a few moments)
Ah, yeah, I'm still here.

(Audience laughing and a little confused)

GEORGE
Yeah, and that's because...-
(Puts hand in his jacket pocket, searching for something)
...they asked me...-
(Pull out another envelope)
to do a little extra work.

(Audience applause partly)

GEORGE
Yeah, Terry Malick, doesn't show up, for these things when they're real awards, so we asked Woody Allen, and he's late getting here.

(Audience laughs)

GEORGE
No,-eh, they asked me, to also announce Best Director, because they thought I knew enough about that, to be qualified to present the Award. I told them, present to one of the great, nine nominees; I don't think I'm worthy. They said, "We know, but you're the best we got."
(Slight pause for audience laughter)
So, this time, we are gonna toast, to these nine nominees, these nine nominated films, these, eleven, ladies and gentlemen, who's vision inspired us, to help them make the films, and the rest of us, who are simply in awe, at their amazing work and talent.

BEST DIRECTOR
Wes Anderson-"Moonrise Kingdom"
Jacques Audiard-"Rust and Bone"
Kathryn Bigelow-"Zero Dark Thirty"
Stephen Chbosky-"The Perks of Being a Wallflower"
Ron Fricke-"Samsara"
Ang Lee-"Life of Pi"
Steven Spielberg-"Lincoln"
Quentin Tarantino-"Django Unchained"
Tom Tykwer and Andy Wachowsky & Lana Wachowski-"Cloud Atlas"

(George has now put the envelope down on the podium, and has miraculously produced a champagne bottle, two champagne glasses and a knife.)

GEORGE
(Placing the glasses on the podium)
Do not ask me, how I snuck these in here.
(Audience laughs, he gets the knife and bottle, ready to open to the side of the stage.)
Alright, that'll be the direction.
(He picks up the envelope, pauses, slyly smiling while starting to rip it open. One more pause for tension)
And the OYL Award goes to...,

And I hope you'll share this drink with me, Mr. ANG LEE! "Life of Pi"!


(Ang lee smiles, greatly as he gets up and heads towards the stage, with big applause and a standing ovation. George pops the champagne bottle, with champagne spill onto the side of the stage, before pouring what's left into the two glasses. Mychael Danna's "Pi's Lullaby" plays as Ang gets his award in one hand, and glass of champagne in the other. Ang and George cling glasses before drinking followed by brief congratulations before exiting stage right. Conan then reappears on stage, looking confused and stunned at the champagne on the floor of the stage. Before he can get a word in, Andy Richter and a few of the P.A.s come in with loads of paper towels and begins cleaning the mess. The audience starts laughing as down Conan who has hand over his face as he laughs at the absurdity of the scene.)

CONAN
All that for a friggin' comeback.

(Conan looks over to Andy Richter and the P.A.s as they soon finish soaking up the stage, and then soon scurry off.)

CONAN
It's been a long night folks, but it's almost over. One more Award, and it's the big one, and luckily, for some strange reason, the biggest name has nothing left to do tonight, so he's here to present the OYL Award for Best Picture, a two-time OYL Award nominee, once tonight for Best Director for "Lincoln" another last year for Best Animated Feature for "The Adventures of Tintin". Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor, Mr. Steven Spielberg!

(STEVEN SPIELBERG enters stage left. He approaches the podium all smiles to music and a standing ovation from the crowd.)

STEVEN
Thank you, thank you.
(Observing the champagne bottle on the podium)
Didn't leave any for me?
(Pause, looking offstage)
Oh, well. Congratulation, Ang by the way. Alright,  last one folks. As always there are ten nominees for Best Picture, and there's not much else left so here we go, the nominees are...

BEST PICTURE
Cloud Atlas-Pro.: Steven Arndt, Grant Hill, Tom Tykwer and Andy Wachowski & Lana Wachowski
Django Unchained-Pro.: Reginal Hudlin, Pilar Savone and Stacey Sher
Les Miserables-Pro.: Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner, Debra Hayward and Cameron Mackintosh
Life of Pi-Pro.: Ang Lee, Gil Netter and David Womack
Moonrise Kingdom-Pro.: Wes Anderson, Jeremy Dawson and Scott Rudin
The Perks of Being a Wallflower-Pro.: Lianne Halfon, John Malkovich, and Russell Smith
Rust and Bone-Pro.: Jacques Audiard, Martine Cassinelli and Pascal Caucheteux 
Safety Not Guaranteed-Pro.: Derek Connolly, Stephanie Langhoff, Peter Saraf, Colin Trevorrow and Marc Turtletaub
Wreck-It Ralph-Pro.: Clark Spencer
Zero Dark Thirty-Pro.: Mark Boal, Kathryn Bigelow and Megan Ellison

(Drumroll)

STEVEN
And, the OYL Award Best Picture, goes to....
(Opens envelope)

"LIFE OF PI"! 
(Long pause)
Ang Lee, Gil Netter and David Womack Producers 




(Ang Lee, comes back from just offstage, entering stage right, as GIL NETTER and DAVID WOMACK approach the stage through the crowd. Applause from the crowd and Mychael Danna's "Pi's Lullaby" plays, while Ang meets his co-producers arrive onstage receiving their OYLs and then soon walking off. Conan is back onstage.)

ANNOUNCER
(As they head towards the stage)
This is Ang Lee's second OYL Award tonight after winning for Best Director, and second total nomination. These are the first wins and nominations for Gil Netter and David Womack.

CONAN
Well, that's our show Everyone, I had an extremely ambivalent time hosting. Have a Happy New Year Everybody, and don't forget to watch the Oscars, the highest-regarded OYL Awards Predictors,-
(Stops reading teleprompter)
Really? That's how you see yourselves?
(Pause, frustrated sigh)
I'm gonna find Clooney with the alcohol. Goodnight, Everybody.

(Music exits out, as credits role highlights of the night.)

ANNOUNCER
(During credits)
All vote tabulations are done by the in-house accountants at "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews". The results of those tabulations are kept secret until the envelopes are opened on the night of the Awards. Some departing nominees will receive consolation prizes provided by...,

(Commercials for Plax Mouthwash, ACE Hardware, Netflix, Voku, The Olive Garden, The Green Door, and Station Casinos, are played)

LAWYER'S NOTE: "David Baruffi's Entertainment Views & Reviews", denies all existence of the One-Year-Later Awards, and disputes any/all claims of certain bribery, blackmail, racketeering, growing of two different crops side-by-side, kidnapping and ransom, in regards to the Awards themselves, and any subsequent parallel activities to the awards, nor has there been any illegal proprieties involving the sponsors or potential sponsors, up to and including any of the above crimes, or any supposed violations of the Mann Act. And none of this matters since the awards don't exist. Oh, and all celebrities appearances at the awards are fictitious, no matter what Conan O'Brien or anybody else claims we may or may not have done to him personally, or otherwise at, before or during the Awards that didn't exist.

Gift baskets provided by ABC, sorry about the "The Neighbors" Season One DVD.

The OYL Awards is a David Baruffi's Entertainment Views and Reviews" production.
In association with Midnight Green Studios.
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